Answer #12: Raucous Royal of the Month- Guidobaldo II della Rovere

OMD....is that a codpiece?You might think a swirly shaped codpieces is just another example of Over-indulgent Masculine Drivel in the Renaissance art scene.(what I refer to as OMD) But the backward curved shape was actually a protective talisman to ward off syphilis and prevent copulation. Guidobaldo's showy codpiece might be another example of fidelity. But faithful to whom? Yes, there is another love story here....

Guidobaldo was an Italian Condottieri who became Duke of Urbino after his father, Francesco Maria's assasination in 1538 (shown right). At the time of his portrait, he had fallen in love with Clarice Orsini, the daughter of Gian Giordano Orsini and famed Renaissance beauty, Felice della Rovere. Unfortunately, the Orsini were mortal enemies of Guidobaldo's father, Francesco Maria and no priest or poison was ever going to allow these two crazy, Romeo and Juliet lovebirds to marry. Instead, Francesco Maria betrothed his son to the wealthy heiress, Giulia da Varano. A series of cantankerous letters between father and son ensued where Guidobaldo was told that he would obey or forfeit his inheritance.

What would our red clad Lothario choose? Unfortunately, Guidobaldo had more to fear than just destitution. Francesco Maria was not a man you disobeyed unless you wanted to swim in the Tiber. He had killed a cardinal with his bare hands and worked hard to garner a reputation of utter ruthlessness.


Clarice's mother, Felice della Rovere put the brakes on the two lovers by whisking her daughter off to marry Don Luigi Carafa. Heartbroken, Guidobaldo acquiesced and married Giulia. To celebrate their wedding, he gave Giuila the portrait known today as Venus of Urbino by Titian. (He called it la donna nuda.) You might be thinking - ahhhh isn't that sweet. Hold that thought. The portrait was meant as an instructive model for Giulia on how to act like the correct Renaissance model/fertility goddess...but no pressure. Renaissance nudes were sometimes placed in the private chambers of nobles as ummm....inspiration. It was believed that looking at beautiful women would incite the couple's fertility.

We don't know the identity of this ideal Renaissance beauty. Possible suspects are one of Guidobaldo's mistresses (there were A LOT), Titian's mistress or even Guidobaldo's mother, Eleonora Gonzaga. Yes, that makes the gift even more creepy, but there is a startling resemblance.

Back to Guidobaldo's portrait....It was commissioned in 1532 by Angelo Bronzino to commemorate his eighteenth birthday. He places one hand on his helmet and the other on his dog possibly to indicate a successful future career as a soldier. The inscription on the helmet reads, "I will surely be true to the goal that I sang of." What exactly Guidobaldo was humming is left for the viewer to decide, but we can guess that it was not a love ballad to his family. The inscription is also in spitting distance to his swirly codpiece and some historians have theorized that its close proximity is symbolic of Guidobaldo sticking it to his dad.(1) Really? I don't know? If Guidobaldo really wanted to send a hostile message to his father, he could have written it on his codpiece. Then, there would be no confusion.*

But clearly, the ornery pooch represents serious daddy issues. That dog is definitely about to rip off your arm.

There is plenty more scandal around the della Rovere family and if you are interested in a really good read then I highly recommend The Pope's Daughter: The Extraordinary Life of Felice della Rovere by one of my favorite authors, Caroline Murphy (author of The Murder of a Medici Princess.

Notes:
*Yes, that was a joke. (1) Brock p. 49

Sources and Further Reading:
Brock, Maurice. Bronzino, New York, NY: Flammarion, 2002.
Murphy, Caroline. The Pope's Daughter: The Extraordinary Life of Felice della Rovere, Oxford University Press, USA, 2005.

Answers # 9, 10, 11

Answer #9: Eric of Sweden

Answer #10 Robert Dudley

Answer #11 Edward VI









I am not going to write much about answers 9, 10, 11 because I already covered them in my book and this old circus pony doesn't have any tricks left.

But #12 is one of my favorite paintings....more on that one later.

The Tudors Season 3 Available

I am a little late announcing this, but Season three is now available on Amazon (see link below). On the side bar, I have added a link to all episodes of Hollywood vs. Historical. I have got a few emails asking if I am going to be doing another Hollywood vs. Historical for season four. It really depends on if I can get my hands on a few episodes before they are released. It is just too hard to keep up with the research unless I see the episodes a few weeks before they are aired. (yes, that was a hint to the good folks at Showtime.)

There are some spoilers for season four over at the Tudor wiki.

Answer #8

Codpiece #8 Don Carlos (Carlos, Prince of Asturias)
This painting is by Sofonisba Anguissola(1558) and was painted at about the time Don Carlos was 14.* Boys always wore miniature versions of adult clothing at this age so his codpiece is very similar to his father's clothing.

At the time of the painting, Don Carlos was starting to exhibit the fruitfulness of royal inbreeding. We can see hints of these demons in his misshapen head and hunched back that the artist failed to disguise. Don Carlos had your typical happy royal childhood spent mostly in seclusion torturing small animals and chasing young girls about the palace. All ended poorly when he was found at the bottom of some steps with an awfully bad knock to his noggin. Don Carlos was bled and trepanned, but a terrible fever had gripped him and it appeared that he would die shortly.

Will your mummy make you feel better or some homemade soup?
In desperation, the Duke of Alba suggested that the mummified body of Franciscan Diego de Alcala be placed in Don Carlos' bed and had balms applied from a Morisco doctor. Whether it be the balms, the bleeding, the trepanning, or the mummy...Don Carlos recovered and lived another day to torture more helpless animals. (My guess is the trepanning saved him.) But as can be imagined, head injuries usually don't cure crazy people and Don Carlos' temper and insanity only got worse. On one occasion, his shoemaker was forced to cut up and eat the boots he had made because they were the wrong size.

By now, word had got out that Don Carlos was not exactly a royal catch on the husband market. (Mary Queen of Scots was suggested, but negotiations fell through.) His codpiece was also rumored to be lacking the right tools to produce an heir and the bouts of violence didn't endear him to most future brides. Finally, when Don Carlos' madness proved too much for even Philip, he had him locked away in a tower and fed some homemade soup....one part broth, the other part poison.

* Many of Sofonisba Anguissola's works have been confused with works by Alonso Sánchez Coello. Wikipedia lists this painting by Sánchez Coello.

Answer #7

Codpiece #7: Ludovico Capponi - The functional codpiece
Now, here is a codpiece that you can hang your hat on! At first, I thought Ludovico's codpiece was a sword, but on closer inspection, I see it is heavy artillery of another nature. (that was the last bad pun...I swear). At the very least, Ludovico is trying to make sure that none of his military equipment damages the goods. You might think the codpiece was just marketing fluff, but it did serve a valuable purpose. Just think what a sword at your waste could do if it accidentally rubbed in the wrong direction? Unfortunately, the Catholic church never saw its utilitarian elegance. At one point, Ludovico's codpiece was considered so indecent that it was painted over. Oh boooooooo.

Aside from the brash choice of under ware, there is a really good love story behind this painting. Ludovico fell in love with a beautiful girl in Duke Cosimo I de Medici's court named Maddalena Vettori. Unfortunately, Cosimo had already planned to marry Maddalena to one of his cousins and forbid the couple to see each other. Disobeying Cosmo's wishes, the couple met in secret for three years and soon begged Cosimo's wife, Eleonara of Toledo, to allow them to be together. The Duke eventually agreed on the condition that the couple must marry within three days or be forever separated. You can guess by Ludovico's determined gaze that the young man made it happen. By all accounts, the marriage was a happy one and produced eight children.


I am going to make a celebrity call on this one and say Ludovico looks like a young James Spader, minus the wandering eye. What do you think?

Answer #6

Codpiece #7: Charles IX (the disappearing codpiece)
oh no, you see what is happening here...the codpiece is getting lost to the pumpkin breeches. This was a trend that would continue until the end of 16th century.

This painting is by Francois Clouet and shows a man far more mentally stable than he was in real life. Charles IX's crazy side manifested itself in his love for the hunt where he was known to rip animals apart with his bare hands. He was also prone to tantrums that made even his mother fear for her safety. But he was a snazzy dresser.

Answer #5

Codpiece #5: Philip II (When size matters)
I have to restrain myself on codpiece #5 because every time I poke fun of Philip II, someone sends me an emails saying, "Please stop calling Philip a boob." I am feeling charitable today, so I will merely compliment Philip on his delicately crafted, prodigious codpiece beautifully rendered by Titian.

Titian painted several portraits of Philip even though the grumpy prince never seem satisfied with the artist's work.* In one letter, Philip reported that the armor looked painted in "haste". Nevertheless, Philip sent one of Titian's hasty portraits (not this one) to his future bride, Mary Tudor. When Mary saw the portrait, the only haste she felt was to get her hands on her new husband.

You probably know the rest of the story...after Mary's death, Philip made some grand overtures to Mary's half-sister, Elizabeth I in the form of a marriage proposal and Elizabeth had the sizeable enough brains to turn it down.

Years later during an attack on the English, Philip's honking large fleet of ships, the Spanish Amanda, got stuck in the English canal proving that sometimes big is not always better. ** I guess that makes him sort of a _ _ _ _.

*You know that Titian was such a hack.
**I am trying to see how many bad puns I can put in one posts.

Answer #4

Codpiece #4: Henri II- the monotonous codpiece

In this painting by Francois Clouet (1558), Henri II's codpiece follows the same upward optimism of Francis I's codpiece, but unlike dad's shiny symbol of manhood, Henri's codpiece was far more faithful. Unfortunately, this fidelity was toward his mistress, Diane de Poitiers (shown below) and not his wife, Catherine de Medici. Henri did have a smattering of indiscretions, but was fairly loyal to Diane. If you were a fly on Henri's codpiece, you might be a bit bored.

The Clouets were the Osmonds of their day setting the style for French portraiture for two generations. Francois's father, Jean Clouet became the official court painter of Francis I and painted several portraits of the royal family. A certain level of monotony and official protocol had to be followed in these state portraits so I don't think the artist's true abilities shine in them.

I think Clouet's chalk drawings have far more life to them. These chalk drawings were collected into albums like family snapshots and Francis inscribed them himself with descriptions and the names of sitters. He then had removable cards cover up his inscriptions and had others guess the sitter based only on the portrait....kind of like the game we are playing today.

Answer #3

Codpiece #3 Charles V (The Downward Dog)

This portrait is by Titian (1532). The first thing you might notice about Charles' codpiece is its curious shape. It sort of resembles a bifurcated croissant. Crescent shapes were associated with the Turks and their conventions toward stricter morality. Unlike their European neighbors, the Turks did not suffer from widespread syphilis outbreaks due to their abstemious attitudes toward sexuality. (Seeing a syphilitic patient's nose fall off can do that to a person.) So while it may seem like Charles is ostentatiously advertising his masculinity he may be emphasizing fidelity over virility.*

Charles' codpiece also points downward instead of out or up like Henry VIII's and Francis' codpiece. The purpose of this design may have been to prevent any embarrassing bulges.** Could the croissant-shaped codpiece be a kind of Renaissance chastity belt?

You will also notice that the dog is rather intimately close to the object of our discussion. Titian just loved to put dogs in his paintings so it's hard to know if the dog has meaning or if Titian just wanted yet another dog in the portrait. If you want to analyse it....dogs typically represented fidelity, strength and courage in Renaissance art depending on what the dog was doing and the breed of dog. The primary purpose of the larger mastiffs was to defend their masters so this dog may represent loyalty. Personally, I think the dog is just about to do that thing that dogs love to do.

*Charles was rumored to have contracted syphilis but we have no proof that these rumors were true.
**Really, that works? I hate when I can't test a theory.

Answer #2

Codpiece #2: Francis I (the Party Tent)
This portrait is by Clouet (1540) and demonstrates the opulence (ah hmm) of the French court. Not a lot of people got this one right, probably because the codpiece bears a disturbing resemblance to a coat rack. Unlike Henry VIII's codpiece, we have a more convincing argument for Francis I's ridiculously erect edifice hiding medication. From Francis' medical records, we know that he suffered from gonorrhea which most likely killed him. Francis also used mercury salves and was probably entering the second stages of syphilis before he had one last go around with his bevy of mistresses.* Francis' wife Claude also was rumored to have died from syphilis, but these rumors began at the English court so we have to assume some level of "my king doesn't have syphilis but yours does" type of rivalry going on.

*Francis was rumored to have contracted syphilis from a lawyer. In an act of revenge, the lawyer infected his wife because he knew she was sleeping with the king.

12 Days of Codpiece Winners

Thanks to everyone who participated in the 12 days of codpieces quiz. It's refreshing to know that there are people in the world who spend just as much time as I do sitting in museums staring at penis sheaths. I guess that's the whole reason why I keep blogging....so I won't be alone in my little geek island of useless historical trivia.

The Winners

I was very impressed that Brooke and D Bogucki got all the answers correct and others came really close. I was so impressed that I had to have two prizes. Brooke won the drawing so she will get this lovely bracelet (said in my best Bob Barker voice) D Bogucki will get the earrings.

The answers will be given out over the next 12 days.... Here is Answer #1

#1 Henry VIII- a bandaged codpiece?

The first Spanish-Italian codpieces began as a triangular flap connected to the hose, but when the fashion came to England, a modest flap simply wouldn't do for Henry VIII. His codpiece is of the padded hard-to-miss variety. Historians have long debated why the need for the bulging display of manhood? Did it represent the wearer's virility or did it serve some sort of function? One guess is that codpieces became padded to disguise the gooey medications used to cure syphilis. You certainly didn't want a mercury salve/lard mixture staining your new brocade. Henry VIII was never treated with mercury (that we know of) but he was a fan of another syphilis and gout remedy imported from the new world called guaiacum . What exactly Henry is hiding in his codpiece will continue to be a mystery and is a post for another day.

Tomorrow I will reveal the answer to #2....

Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel: Cromwell finally gets to smile

The Winner
Winner of the Raucous Book of the month, Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel is Katie Sue. Katie Sue I have sent you an email and just need your mailing address. This month’s featured book is Hubbub, Filth, Noise and Stench in England, 1600-1770(Review and give-away coming) The winner to the 12 days of Codpieces will be announced on Monday.

All newsletter subscribers are automatically entered to win The Raucous book of the month. If you are not a newsletter subscriber, then you can subscribe here.

Raucous Review of the month: Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel
I was so excited to start reading this book because I am obviously a huge Tudor fan, but have never got a sense of Cromwell, the man behind the mastermind. In most historical fiction, Thomas Cromwell’s meteoric rise from tradesman to the king's chief minister is seen only through the eyes of Henry’s wives. Finally, Crommie was going to get his say.

I started reading Wolf Hall the minute I got home from the hospital with a new screaming baby.

Well, after about 10 pages, I wanted to throw the book at my grumpy cat. Then I realized A. That would kill the cat (it’s a rather big tome) and B. I needed more than 2 hours of sleep to read Wolf Hall. So I put it aside and picked it up a month later when my sleep had increased to an astounding 4 hours a night.

Book Review: Take two
Hilary Mantel’s writing style is truly unique, but does take at least 50 pages to adjust to and at least a few working brain cells. The dialogue is not your typical “he said, she said” written from one point of perspective and Cromwell is always referred to as "he" instead of his name. The reader almost has to actively participate in the dialogue where you are holding the camera in each scene. It is kind of like watching a subtitled movie where you are forced to pay attention instead of writing your grocery list while watching it.

Like any good historical novel, the descriptions are captivating, but it’s not just the historical details that will have reader’s smelling Wolsey’s oranges. Mantel’s writing style doesn’t just bring Cromwell to life. She makes her readers become Cromwell. Often Cromwell’s thoughts are written as if he wants to speak them out loud so you literally feel like you are in Cromwell’s head wishing you could punch Norfolk in the face or tell More that he belongs in the crazy farm. But you can’t. Because you are trying to survive the political minefield of Henry’s court without getting a knife in your back or becoming a head shorter.

Master Cromwell's smile
At first, I found it difficult to come to terms with Mantel’s portrayal of Cromwell. I had always pictured Cromwell as the disgruntled man in Holbein’s painting who looks like his hose are too tight or he just got the worst Tudor tax bill of his life. Mantel gives a Leonardesque make-over to Cromwell and instead of the stately court profile, the reader gets the missing frontal portrait. We see Cromwell as a broken-down son of an abusive father or a loving father himself grieving the loss of his child. Mantel’s Cromwell is a survivor. He loses the Holbein scowl and replaces it with a naughty, sarcastic gleam in his eye and a mocking Mona Lisa grin. Other courtiers are condescending toward him, but inside he is having the last laugh.

Send me a Master Cromwell....
Mantel's Cromwell is also not just the financial wizard or loyal lap dog to Henry VIII. He is the guy who can fix anything (as long as it can be fixed). After reading this book, Cromwell is now my new favorite dead person I would like to share a glass of ale with. (Sorry, Elizabeth I....you have been bumped). In fact, I kind of wish I had a Cromwell in my life right now. He could balance my checkbook, edit my manuscripts, do my laundry, devise ways to buy shoes without my husband knowing and other odd tasks that require cunning and a certain amount of humility. (Although I would have to insist that he stop referring to himself as "he" because that would be just plain creepy).

And it’s not just Cromwell who is so vividly portrayed. I think Mantel’s true strength is in creating a strong contrast in characters. Anne Boleyn evokes a weird combination of awe and nervous fear. In contrast, Cromwell has an all-knowing calmness and strength, and a sense that despite his rise...he knows eventually the jig will be up. Both seem to know that their individual success will put them at opposite ends of this dizzying wheel of fortune.

We will have to wait for Mantel's sequel to see how Cromwell stays on top.