Royal Salvation: A Brief History

In the 15th century, a deeply superstitious population believed that hell looked something like the painting to the left. Eternal damnation was obviously much scarier then our consumer focused secular world. We worry about the economy. They worried about their souls. Covet your neighbor’s wife? Well, you just mind end up in the eternal fires of Hades with demons pecking out your brains. Ok a bit dramatic, but Bosch didn’t paint this painting because life was a bed of roses.

Forgiveness Hurts
If you did sin, the first step in forgiveness was to show you were really, really sorry. Just pick up your whip and join the flagellants. All you needed was a rod and the ability to whip yourself repeatedly. King Henry III was a big fan of the movement. And like Henry, most people believed that their debauchery was forgiven once they whipped themselves into a frenzy. We can imagine that all that blood flying around probably only spread more plague and pestilence…the very thing people were hoping to stop.

Saint Relics… Your Mummy will heal you
Another way to reach divine forgiveness was to pray to the body part of a deceased saint. People traveled miles on pilgrimages to visit the toe or the finger of a beloved saint. Anne Boleyn got especially persnickety when she found out the nuns of Hailes Abbey were serving up duck’s blood instead of the blood of the blessed virgin. She ordered the virgin hoax removed.

Often, if a prince could not come to the saint, then you could always bring the saint to the prince. Such was the case with young heir of Philip II, Don Carlos who took a nasty tumble down the stairs while chasing a servant girl. His doctors prescribed an ingenious remedy – put the mummified body of saint Friar Diego in bed with the young prince. Ironically, Don Carlos did feel better after he slept with his mummy. Sorry…couldn’t resist.

The Golden Ticket to Heaven
Playing on the fears of the people, Pope Leo X saw an ingenious way to fill the papal coffers back up with gold and goodies and save thousands of wary souls….papal indulgences. Papal indulgences usually looked like rolled up scrolls with the pope’s stamp of approval and cost just a few pennies. Anyone who purchased one could basically buy an entry to heaven and forgiveness. Steal your neighbors’ pig? No worries. Just pay the fiddler and you would be immediately forgiven. Papal indulgences became so popular that they even outsold the bible. And people not only bought them for the living, but also for the dead. It was believed a deceased relative could enter the pearly gates of heaven if they had a papal indulgence purchased in their name. Today we think we are lucky if we have life insurance, but 500 years ago people had death insurance.

Pope Leo X sent his friar, Johann Tetzel to do the dirty work of collecting money for indulgences throughout Germany. Everyone thought the money being raised was going toward St. Peter’s Basilica, but guess what? A huge junk was used to bankroll Leo’s soriees. Leo’s justification for his extravagances was really simple. He said, 'Since God has given us the papacy, let us enjoy it.' And enjoy it he did.

The Door that Changed History
By the 16th century, one spunky monk named Martin Luther had had just about enough of the pope living like a rap star. Luther slapped his 95 Thesis on the door of Castle Church in Wittenburg condemning the sale of papal offices, indulgences, simony and the general widespread corruption. And the rest is a raucous tale…

Strangest Royal Gifts in History

With Christmas now over, there are probably some bizarre gifts still lingering under many a half-dead tree. But chia pets, self-help books and nose hair clippers don’t compare to some of the more exotic gifts given to royalty throughout history. The following are some of my favorite.

Cute and Cuddly Gifts
King Manuel I of Portugal went for the big box when he gave Pope Leo X, a rare white elephant named Hanno. Leo fell in love with his large gift and used his new pet to lead ostentatious parades through the streets of Rome with a silver tower on his back. For years Hanno reciprocated the Pope’s love and would cry “bar bar bar” every time he saw Leo. Unfortunately, Leo may have loved his pet pachyderm a little too much. The gold-enriched laxatives fed to Hanno were a little too rich for even an elephant’s stomach. Hanno dropped dead after one of these royal treatments.

The “oh you shouldn’t have” gift
At the wedding of Catherine de Medici, Pope Clement VII gave King Francis I, a unicorn horn mounted in a solid gold pedestal. These slightly phallic edifices were not intended to match the furniture, but were instead valued for their medicinal qualities. A unicorn or “alicorn” horn would supposedly sweat in the presence of poison. Unfortunately, the mythical horns were actually rhino and narwhal horns and often cost about as much as a small estate.

Honey…Look what I killed for you
Having an animal carcass arrive on your doorstep may seem like a less than romantic gift but to 16th century princes it was a most tender gesture of love. Henry VIII may have wooed Anne Boleyn with love letters and jewelry, but it was the freshly killed stag that really made her go….awwwww ain’t that sweet.

Royal Re-gifting
Every proud papa likes to give gifts to his daughter on her wedding. King Philip IV was no different when he bestowed several priceless jewels on his daughter Isabella after her marriage ceremony to Edward II. Unfortunately, Edward immediately re-gifted Isabella’s jewels and sent them to his royal mistress. This re-gifting might not have been so insulting if it were not for the fact that Edward’s girlfriend was none other than the pretty boy, Piers Gaveston. Most people would have agreed that Isabella looked better in pearls.

History tells us that even exotic gifts can be re-gifted. Such was the case with the Turkish corsair and chief pirate of the Ottoman empire, Barabarossa who gave King Francis a rare Nubian lion. In theory, a pet lion may seem like the perfect gift to impress a king, until you have to feed the beast. Francis certainly came to this conclusion when the perpetually hungry lion started eyeing the monkeys, reptiles and exotic birds in the rest of the king’s royal menagerie. Thus, Francis gave the big cat to the cousin of Pope Clement VII, Ippolito de Medici who fell in love with his new pet.

The wife of Louis XV, Maria Leszczynska, received an expensive New Year’s gift – an enamel and gold snuffbox with a small watch on the lid. Unfortunately for Maria, the gift was intended for Louise Madeline de la Motte, the mother of Louis’ famed mistress Madame Pompadour. Fortunately for Maria, Louise had just died and no one wanted to waste the gift.

Sources and Further Reading:
Bedini, Silvio. The Pope's Elephant. Austin, Texas: Harry Ransom Humanities Research Center, 1997.
Knecht, R.J. Francis I, New York, NY : Cambridge University Press, 1984.
Weir, Alison. Queen Isabella. New York, NY: Ballantine Books, 2005.
Ives, Eric. Anne Boleyn. New York, NY : Blackwell, 1988.
Lever, Evelyne. Madame de Pompadour : a life. New York, NY : Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2002.