The Tudors, Historical vs. Hollywood: Episode 1, Season 4

The Historical:

Episode 1 starts off extra steamy. I mean really steamy. Everyone is dripping in sweat. London at the time was going through a nasty heat wave where so little rain fell that many commoners were suffering through crop failures and plague outbreaks. To Henry and his royal party, the lack of rain only meant one thing – more time to enjoy themselves. Kathryn insists that all her ladies start dressing like French women and wear their French hoods with pride. (French hoods were the mini skirt of their day. The more hair you showed…the more scandalous.) Henry decides to go on progress and show off his new queen. Meanwhile, Kathryn is getting spoiled rotten by an endless flow of jewels and castles. (Henry gave her more gifts than any of his other queens.) And all she has to do is giggle every two minutes and make naughty puppet shadows. What a life! Her only thorn in her side is Mary, who just can’t seem to warm up to her Dad’s new misses. It might just be the age difference.

Kat does have her admirers. Thomas Culpepper just can’t seem to stop commenting about her bottom. How treasonous! Ok that part is a bit silly, but the rape scene is legit. In a letter from Richard Hilles to Henry Bullinger he relates:

One of the parties who was first hanged and afterwards beheaded and quartered for adultery with the Queen was one of the King's Chamberlains, and two years before or less had violated a park keeper's wife, whom three or four attendants held down for him in a thicket. But for this he was pardoned by the King, and likewise for a murder committed when some villagers tried to apprehend him for the crime.(1)

You would think having a mud slinging, new chippy would make Hank a bit more forgiving, but nooooooo. Before he leads for his progress, he does a little spring cleaning in the Tower and executes some notorious prisoners including John Nevill and Lord Dacre. True: Lord Dacre was imprisoned for robbery and people were shocked and saddened by his execution. (He was only 17). False: John Nevill was pardoned.

Hollywood:
Timelines get a little wonky. According to the Tudors, King Francis proposes marriage between his son Henri II and Henry VIII’s daughter Mary. This would make Francis pimp daddy to a suspiciously bigamist marriage because Catherine de Medici was already married to Henri in 1533. Catherine had enough trouble beating off her husband’s mistress, Diane de Poitiers without dealing with a second wife. Francis did propose this marriage alliance. It just happened earlier.

Kathryn knew Culpepper before becoming queen of England. There were rumors floating about that they were to marry before she came to the attentions of the king. The Tudors seems to imply that they are just getting to know each other.

There is a scene where Henry’s boys talk about the cruelty of French court. I didn’t quite understand this scene? Yes, the English always saw the French as uncouth and the French saw the English as positively barbaric, but the English court system was ten times harsher than France’s criminal system. In England, a man could be hung for stealing a sheep. France, would take the lesser punishment of removing a limb or two. One of the gentlemen mentions that Francis took delight in setting puppies on fire. Francis loved dogs, especially his beloved masties. The only time (that I know of) of animals being burnt was during Elizabeth I’s reign. As part of her coronation ceremony, cats were placed in a huge basket and lit on fire to symbolize the releasing of demons.

Francis Dereham is missing. He was the boyfriend from Kat’s past that really got the whole infidelity investigations rolling. Maybe he appears next episode.

I am not sure where they are going with Joan Bulmer cast as the lesbian intriguer. It is true that Joan wrote to Kathryn to secure a position and she was well aware of Kat's past. But the person to really bring down Kathryn was Mary Hall at the insistence of her brother, Protestant reformer, John Lassells. The writers did use some real quotes from history -  (ie. the letter, the comment about hanging from their bellies like sparrows and the huffing and puffing that she heard. )

Thomas Howard, Earl of Surrey was the son of the first Thomas Howard, Duke of Norfolk thereby making him and Kathryn cousins. Not his niece. But the Duke of Norfolk disappeared in earlier seasons so someone now has to play the villian. It is true that he was a bit of a cad and had spent some time in France skirt chasing. So they have the rough outlines of his character correct.

Anne Stanhope gets further defamed in season four, but there is no proof that she was the little trollop that she plays. I already addressed her portrayal in last season.

In 1542, Henry decided to invade Scotland, not France. I know die hard historical lovers are going to having a hard time with this one. I understand why they chose to portray France as the main rival. Firstly, France and England were not exactly chummy at this time. Second, they have already established France and England as the Tom and Jerry of the 16th century. Bringing Scotland into the mix would really muddy up plotlines espcially when they would have to bring Henry's sis, Margaret back from the dead and marry her off to the right king.


Conclusion:
Season four will probably be the most controversial regarding accuracy because so much of what we know about Kathryn comes from her enemies making it difficult to know if she was an ambitious queen or just a foolish, party girl.

Overall, I was prepared for the writers to cast Kathryn, Henry and Culpepper into the same tedious love triangle that fictional portrayals have in the past. Henry is usually typecast as the lecherous, pathetic aging husband. Kathryn is seen as the young victim unable to escape the attentions of a king. And lastly, Culpepper plays the role of valiant, romantic suitor who will risk anything to be with his lady love. The truth is less cliché and not nearly as much of a snore.

Henry, although definitely a bit pudgy and nursing a leg wound, was still hunting with his men every morning for at least two hours. Although he certainly needed to cut back on the swan binges, he was not the corporal beast of his final years. I think the Tudors did an incredible job showing Henry aged but still sexy.

Then let’s take Kathryn’s actions to appoint her past partners in crime to such visible positions as court. Was this a mark of her naivety? Or does it show a certain recklessness stemming from that arrogant Howard pride? The Tudors lets the viewer decide. They show Kathryn both giddy and foolish one minute and then haughtily announcing, “I am queen now. Do as I command.” I tend to think it was a little of both.

Lastly, I was really expecting a swashbuckling Culpepper to come striding up on his white horse serenading his love beneath her window. Instead, The Tudors shows a far creepier Culpepper capable of tremendous brutality in the rape a village girl. Culpepper is no hero. His violent actions are partly due to the indifferent cruelty of his times and partly due to how he viewed women as dogs to be kicked around.

I am hoping that in the next few episodes Kathryn will do a little less giggling and become a bit more multidimensional. Kathryn did have a benevolent side that seems to have ended up on the cutting room floor. For example, Kathryn intervened to save the life of several of her friends and relatives. She saved the life of Helen Page, rescued her cousin John Leigh from the Tower and of course her most famous intersession on behalf of poet Thomas Wyatt. Maybe that will come in next episode….


I am not sure if I am going to have time to continue this thread as thouroughly as last season. I am still getting woken up every 2 hours by a 6 month old that acts like a newborn and the sleep deprivation is seriously hurting the ole memory. Plus, I really have a book proposal that needs to get out. So if I missed any inaccuracies or mixed anything up then just write in the comment below. There is a page for Historical Inaccuracies of Season 4 over at the Tudor Wiki so keep checking it for updates.


(1) From: 'Appendix', Letters and Papers, Foreign and Domestic, Henry VIII, Volume 17: 1542 (1900), pp. 706-712.

The Tudors Season 3 Available

I am a little late announcing this, but Season three is now available on Amazon (see link below). On the side bar, I have added a link to all episodes of Hollywood vs. Historical. I have got a few emails asking if I am going to be doing another Hollywood vs. Historical for season four. It really depends on if I can get my hands on a few episodes before they are released. It is just too hard to keep up with the research unless I see the episodes a few weeks before they are aired. (yes, that was a hint to the good folks at Showtime.)

There are some spoilers for season four over at the Tudor wiki.

For the British readers

The new season of The Tudors has started in the UK and I got an email asking if there is one location to find all of the "Historical vs. Hollywood" posts in order. REMINDER: These posts contain spoilers.



Here they are:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7
Final Episode part 1
Final Episode part 2

I will put up a permanent link on the left hand side shortly...

Showtime's The Tudors: Historical vs. Hollywood – Final Episode

Episode eight begins with Henry feeling an “impediment” to his marriage that is deeply troubling his conscience. (yes, he has one). The whole marriage has been a terrible mix up. Anne had already been pre-contracted to Francis of Lorraine, (later the Duc de Bar) so therefore Henry had really married another man’s wife. But Francis of Lorraine is soon to marry Christina of Milan. (the bride that Henry originally wanted to marry). The solution is simple: Wife Swap. oh, darn...wrong show.

No, this is the Tudors where the solution can only be divorce or death. Henry tells Anne that he is packing her up and sending her to Richmond to get a little fresh air. We don’t know what Anne thought of her deportation, but it might have been along the lines of, “Say, didn’t you try that Richmond trick on your first wife?” Catherine of Aragon certainly didn’t fall for it. Would Anne?

While Anne is relaxing in Richmond, Henry’s lackeys draw up the divorce papers on the grounds of non-consummation and the legal impediments caused by Anne’s pre-contracted marriage with Francis of Lorraine. When the news is broken to Anne, it doesn’t take long for her to cooperate fully. The scene with her breaking down in tears is factual for firsthand accounts reported her crying pitilessly at the news. As part of the divorce settlement, Anne was given 4000 pounds a year, Richmond and Bletchingley, and the consolatory title of “sister.” Not bad for a wife of Henry.

Meanwhile, The Duke of Suffolk and Francis Bryan plot to put a new pretty plaything in front of the king. Their chosen trinket is the seductive and nubile Kathryn Howard. In reality, her uncle, the Duke of Norfolk secured her a position as lady-in-waiting to Anne of Cleves and we do not know when she caught the king’s eye. In the Tudors, it is also implied that Kathryn was a “rich bastard” but in reality she came from a minor noble branch of the Howard clan (Anne Boleyn was her cousin.) Her father was Lord Edmund, the third son of the second Duke of Norfolk. Her mother was Jocasta Culpepper, a rich co-heiress. Sadly, Catherine’s mother died when she was young and Kathryn was packed off to the Household of her step-grandmother, the Dowager Duchess of Norfolk. Under the Duchess of Norfolk’s care, she romped and played like the Tudor version of ‘Girls gone wild’ except she thought no one was watching. People were watching. Those people may have some tales to tell in season four…

Henry of course falls instantly in love with Kathryn. They then share a series of conversations reminiscent of two apes sharing a banana. Most of Kathryn's lines consist of fluctuating snorts and giggles delivered half-naked. History tells us that one of Kathryn’s more alluring qualities was that she dressed herself in the more becoming French fashions that Jane had banned (shown here). Unfortunately, it’s hard to get the sense of her being a fashion guru with her always missing her clothes. I predict next season is going to be a tad steamier.

If you want tears, turn to poor Cromcakes who is suddenly out of a job. His official charges were treason, heresy and scandalum magnatum (which is Latin for being a big jerk to your betters). He is not given a trial and arrested on an Act of Attainder.* But before he is handed his Tudor walkng papers, he is ordered to complete one last official duty - write a letter showing that Henry did not consummate his marriage. The Tudors uses Cromwell’s real letter including his cry for, ‘mercy, mercy, mercy.’ (1) Most of what we know of Henry’s reaction to Anne is from this letter.

Cromwell’s downfall cannot be attributed to one defining moment, but his failed foreign policy certainly played its part. He had succeeded in counterbalancing the threat of a Franco-Imperial war by securing an alliance with Cleves, but he forgot the fundamental nature of alliances….they were two way streets. You scratch my back and I scratch yours. And that meant that if Cleves went to war with Spain, England had to come to its defense. Unfortunately for Cromwell, it looked like that is exactly what was about to happen.

Charles V and William of Cleves had been arguing over whom had rights to the rich land of Gelderland for some time. To settle the matter, Charles V went straight for the Low Countries to claim it for himself. Now, a war between Cleves and Charles’ Imperial forces was forthcoming and Henry was in no mood to come to the Cleves family defense. To make matters worse, The French king, Francis I and Charles V were at each other’s throats (think Mean Girls but with swords and codpieces.) With Francis and Charles distracted with their own bickering, a Franco-Imperial attack on England turned out to be just another boogieman in the closet. Anne now served no purpose other than to make Henry miserable. Cromwell had gambled and lost.

Then there was the whole messy business of religion. Cromwell’s enemies accused him of a whole slew of heretical charges including spreading heretical literature, allowing heretical writings to be translated, supporting the teaching of Barnes and allowing the common man to minister the sacrament. We still don’t know today what exactly Cromwell was up to, but he went to his grave claiming that he wasn’t a heretic. Today, Cromwell certainly has his detractors, but most historians agree that his death was senseless and the reason for using an Act of Attainder was that there was not enough evidence to convict him.

And let's not forget that Cromwell just wasn’t playing nice with others. His enemies resented his power and his rise from humble beginnings. Class structure was not a thing to be circumvented in Tudor England and a blacksmith’s son normally did not become the second most powerful man in the kingdom. Cromwell simply had too many enemies.

The only person who had anything remotely nice to say about Cromwell was Cranmer. When asked what his relationship with the fallen minister was, he said, ‘I loved him as my friend…But now, if he be a traitor, I am sorry that I ever loved him or trusted him.’ (2)The Tudors used this quote, but has Rich saying it instead of Cranmer.

Cromwell shared the scaffold with Lord Hungerford who was executed for sodomy and various heinous crimes. The Tudors shows what looks to be a homeless person shaking on the scaffold and I am assuming that is our guy Hungerford. Hungerford was executed at the same time as Cromwell in an effort to disgrace Cromwell futher. (In Tudor England, sodomites were viewed as the lowest of the low).

You might want to cover your eyes during Cromwell’s execution scene. According to Foxe, ‘he patiently suffered the stroke of the axe, by a ragged butcherly miser, which very ungodly performed the office.’ (3) People are always counting the swings it takes to remove a head, but I say anything over one counts as a seriously botched execution.


But all ends well back at the Tudor Playboy ranch with Kathryn Howard looking like a kinky Fragonard painting. But wait….is that regret on Henry’s face? Does Miss Giggles have the goods to hold a king’s attention? Will have to wait to season four to find out…

Stay tuned for a chance to win season two of The Tudors. Details coming this week.

Sources and Notes:
* An Act (or Bill) of Attainder is a Parliamentary procedure in which Parliament passes judicial sentence on an accused person as if it were a court of law.

All sources listed in previous posts
(1)L. P, Henry VIII, Volume 15: 1540, pp. 376-412. Cromwell to Henry VIII
(2)Starkey, Kindle location 11081-87
(3) Dickens. p. 73

Additional Sources:
Dickens, A. G. Thomas Cromwell and the English Reformation, London, UK: The English Universities Press, 1967.

Showtime's The Tudors: Historical vs. Hollywood – Episode 7

In Episode seven, Henry has fallen in love. Unfortunately, the object of his affection is a small miniature portrait and not the real woman it portrays. The miniature (shown here) is truly beautiful and can be seen in the Victoria and Albert Museum. Aside from her stunning portrait, most reports of Anne’s beauty were favorable too. The English ambassador, Christopher Mont reported that, ‘She excelleth the Duchess [of Milian], as the golden sun excelleth the silvern moon.’ (The Tudors uses this quote). This comment would be kind of like trying to fix a guy up on a blind date and saying, “She looks like Julia Roberts….except hotter". As discussed in last episode, The Duchess of Milan was truly the Julia Roberts of her day. We can imagine how high the bar was set.

Meanwhile, things are getting messy in England. The Spanish and French ambassadors have been recalled—a clear sign that war is about to be declared on England. Cromwell suggests a Cleves marriage to protect England from Franco-Imperial forces and Henry agrees. Henry has now become desperate for the support of the Schmalkaldic League. Just trying saying Schmalkaldic three times and you will understand why he was so desperate.

Later, Chapuys appears in a meeting with Henry and tells him that it was just rumors that he had been recalled and that he never left. This is not exactly true. Chapuys was recalled but not for an extended period.

Meanwhile The Duke of Suffolk and Edward Seymour are up to no good. They decide to patch up their quarrels and unite in the common goal of bringing down Cromwell. In reality, the Duke of Norfolk and Stephen Gardiner were the main faction moving against Cromwell . More on that later…

When Mary hears about the Cleves marriage, she has a hissy fit and has a few choice words for what she thinks of a Lutheran queen. As discussed in last week’s post, Anne was a Catholic. But most importantly, Mary never wished Anne to the “bottom of the sea.”But this is sort of a real line from history. Anne Boleyn had supposedly wished Catherine of Aragon and all her Spanish cohorts to the bottom of the sea. Good line. Wrong person.

The Tudors shows Brandon meeting Anne in Calais, but in reality it was Lord Lisle who had been instructed to greet her. What is true is the foreboding weather we see in the background because Anne’s departure from Calais was delayed due to strong winds. The person in charge of entertaining Anne was Admiral Fitzwilliam. (The Tudors shows the hunky Brandon as Anne’s chief entertainer…and who really can complain about another scene with Brandon?) The card game that Brandon (Fitzwilliam) and Anne play was called ‘cent’ and by Fitzwilliam’s report, Anne was a quick learner.

Anne and her party then set sail for the Downs where they were met by Brandon and his wife, but the weather was still so bad that it caused further delays. Henry became so impatient to meet his beloved that he decided he must go to her instead and “nourish love.” (a real quote) The scene that unfolds simply doesn’t do the true meeting justice. In the Tudors, Henry rushes to Rochester with a gift of sables. As soon as he lays eyes on Anne, he is repulsed and leaves without giving her his gift of sables. Boo hoo.

Why bull-baiting makes a terrible first date
In reality, Shakespeare could not have written a better tragic comedy for Anne and Henry’s first meeting. Anthony Browne, A gentlemen of the King’s chamber who was very close to the king, left us a first hand account of their botched first meeting. Here is what really happened:

New Year’s day was almost over and Anne was watching the bull-baiting out the window of her chamber. In 16th century England, bull-baiting and bear-baiting were as patriotic as making fun of the queen’s hats is today. Anne didn’t get out much in Cleves so we can imagine that she must have been feeling a mixture of awe and….my these English are a much of hooligans! In walks Henry. But he isn’t dressed as Henry with his usually 80’s style puffy sleeves and ridiculously tight hose. He is dressed in a bear suit.

No, I jest. He wasn’t dressed as a bear because that would have been actually funny. But he was disguised as a regular old fat courtier. If you and I were there, we might immediately have said,…Look! There is big fat Henry and not been fooled one bit. But Anne had never seen the 6.2 king and wasn’t expecting any pranks. To Henry, these were not pranks, but part of the ritual of courtly love. Henry, like others of his day, believed that your true love would always see through any disguise. Unfortunately, Anne had not been schooled in the art of English flirting and she was too engrossed in the bull-baiting to notice her true love. Henry then left the room and reentered dress like a king. Anne suddenly realized she had just dissed the king of England….not a good start to marital bliss.

Henry then returns to court and mutters his infamous quote, “I like her not!” (In the Tudors, he says it three times…that might be overkill) Henry screams, “She looks like a horse…a Flanders Mare!” As discussed in an earlier posting, Henry never said this infamous line.

A bunch of finger pointing on whom exaggerated Anne’s appearance then follows. The scene does provide some comic relief when Hutton makes the anachronistic comment, “I told you that I was no good with women.” Although this comment made me giggle like Kathryn Howard on a swing, Wotton did say in one of his reports, ‘I knowledge myself of judgement herein very ignorant. ‘ Sorry Cromwell. He warned you.

Heads are going to fly! Henry warns, “I am not well- handled.”( a real quote) . He then tells Cromwell that he has been backed into a corner and, 'if it were not that she had come so far into my realm, and the great fear of making a ruffle in the world and of driving her brother into the arms of the Emperor and the French King, I would not now marry her.' Politics had locked Henry into an unwanted marriage, but political alliances could change quickly…as we shall see later.

We must remember that many of those surrounding Henry might have been shocked by his reaction. By all accounts, Anne was very pretty. She came with the backing of the Schmalkaldic League and an impressive royal lineage. She was intelligent and could read and write in German. (It is doubtful Jane could read and write). She was rumored to be virtuous which was VERY important to Henry as we will see later with Miss Giggles. And although she could not dance, sing, flirt or play any instruments, she was a whiz with a needle and thread. But alas, Henry didn’t need a wife to make shirts.

Henry then sent his council scrambling to find a legal loophole out of the wedding. He says, 'Is there no remedy, but that I needs must put my neck into the yoke?' (The Tudor uses this quote.) Cromwell certainly better find a remedy or he is going to find his neck yoked with the edge of a blunt axe.

Henry goes through with the wedding, but he looks like he about to have 10 teeth pulled instead of wedding a beautiful girl. In reality, Henry appeared perfectly content in public.

When is a pear not just a pear?
Meanwhile, Cromwell catches a young boy of his court trying to steal a pear as he is praying in his chambers. The boy is shocked to see Cromwell not praying in church. Cromwell then gives him the “god is everywhere” lecture and tells the boy that he does not need to go to church to talk to god. This is what I was taught in Catholic school, but it was heresy then. In the 16th century, the church had a monopoly on god. If you wanted to pray, you had to come to church. If you wanted forgiveness, then you had to pay for an indulgence. If you wanted to get married, then you had to go to the church. We tend to take our freedom of choice for granted, but it was something 16th century people had to fight for. (and that’s all the lecturing I will do on religion…promise)

Also of note is the significance of the pear in this scene. I can’t take credit for this one because I am simply not this observant, but a reader on the Tudor discussion board pointed out that a pear in Christianity symbolized Christ’s love for mankind. (In the above painting of the Madonna and Child she offers up a pear. ) Some might argue that a pear is just a pear, but I think the writers’ choice was not arbitrary.

On Henry and Anne’s wedding night, they are up really late but unfortunately…they were not doing newlywed things. They were playing cards. In their bed, Henry is so repulsed that he appears to have some amusing performance problems. Many historians have proposed that Henry may have been impotent by this point so this scene is not pure Hollywood.

The next day, Cromwell asks Henry what he thinks of Anne and Henry replies, 'Surely, my lord, I liked her before not well, but now I like her much worse! '(The Tudors uses this quote) Henry even suspects Anne’s virginity. His evidence was the, 'looseness of her breasts and other tokens'—a sure sign by 16th century standards that the filly had been broken in. Henry then claimed that he could not be, ‘stirred to that act’ and left her as good a maid as he found her. Henry later confides to Doctor Butts that he can not perform with the queen because he finds her body so “disorderly”. He places the blame squarely on Anne because he has had several wet dreams . (yes, he really said this). Poor Anne. Did I mention she was handy with a needle?

Cromwell then meets with Anne and tells her to do everything she can to please the king. We have no record of such a conversation taking place, but it is interesting to get a dramatic portrayal of what Anne might have thought. In the Tudors, she tells Cromwell that Henry is no prize with his stinkin leg wound.

The Tudors ends with a scene between Lady Bryan and Anne where Lady Bryan is forced to give her “the birds and the bees” conversation. Anne tells her that the king kisses her goodnight and asks her…isn’t that enough? If we look back at what the real Henry looked like, one would say….sheesh that IS enough. This scene did happen, but the conversation took place with Lady Rochford and not Lady Bryan. The episode ends with Anne asking the question on everyone’s mind, “If I cannot please the king, will he kill me?

Stay tuned to for the final episode of Historical vs. Hollywood to find out…

Showtime's The Tudors: Historical vs. Hollywood – Episode 6

In episode six, the wear and tear of three wives, a septic leg wound, a major uprising and total religious upheaval is starting to take its toll on Henry. Bluff king Hal is simply not the virile and handsome king of his youth. Although we don’t see Meyers physically age, he manages to act enough like a dirty old man leering at schoolgirls to convince viewers that his heyday has come and gone. This feeling of lost youth plays into his choice for the next Mrs. Tudor…

In reality, over 12 candidates for marriage were considered, but this is TV land and there is obviously no need to go through each one. According to the Tudors, one of the first candidates was Marie, the daughter of the French king, Francis I. I had to keep rewinding this scene because I couldn’t understand why Showtime renamed Francis’ daughter “Marie” when her name was Margaret? But it is true that Henry turned down Margaret (shown here) because of her young age. This is ironic considering that he had no qualms about robbing Kathryn Howard’s cradle years later.

As portrayed in the Tudors, Henry preferred the second French candidate, Mary de Guise (shown here). Mary was a little older, a little more experienced and had a little more junk in her trunk than Margaret. Henry claimed that such a woman was better suited for him because he was “big in person and had need of a big wife.” (1) True…one romantic moment with Henry might crush the average woman, but the real reason Henry wanted Mary was part ego and part politics. Mary was already promised to Henry’s rival, James V of Scotland and this obstacle made her all the more desirable. Henry was adamant about preventing a Franco- Scottish alliance so stealing Mary from James seemed like the gallant thing to do. Unfortunately, Henry’s political cockblocking failed and Mary ended up in a cold, damp castle married to James. Mary's daughter, Mary Queen of Scots would have her run in with Henry’s daughter, Elizabeth I years later....but that is a story left for another day or another post.

After a love match with Mary de Guise failed, Henry considered a match with one of her two sisters, Louise and Renee. Louise was rumored to still be a virgin (a rarity in the French court) so the French ambassador, Castillon suggested that Henry choose her in order to “shape the passage to your measure.” The Tudors uses this quote.

The others sister, Renee was not a good candidate for marriage because she was already promised to the big guy upstairs and was to become the abbess of St. Peters. This minor detail did not stop Henry from sending his ambassadors to meet with her. Henry’s arrogant actions prompted the constable to quip to the Imperial ambassador that, “I have no doubt that as the king of England considers himself a pope in his own kingdom, he would have preferred the nun to any other daughter of the royal blood in France. “(2)

After considering many French potential brides, Henry then asked Francis if he could throw a prospective wife beauty pageant and inspect each of the ladies up close. (The talent show would follow.) It was not an unreasonable request for a king to inspect his future wife before committing to marriage. What was a little extreme was to ask to see all of the potential brides at once. (Henry’s was in a bit of a rush to marry) Francis of course refused causing the French ambassador to joke that Henry should instead mount all the ladies like horses and then decide who to marry. (The Tudors uses this quote) The part that is a tad Hollywood was Henry’s reaction to this comment. In the Tudors, Henry yells at the French ambassador in his usual bullish tone. In reality, Henry probably felt a bit shamed by the ambassador’s comment because he nervously laughed along with him.

On the Imperial side, Henry’s first choice was the dimple-faced beauty Christina, Duchess of Milan. The quote on the Tudors describing Christina as not as pure white as Jane, but with adorable dimples is a real quote. Christina was rumored to be the most beautiful woman in the Netherlands. She also had recently become a widow and Henry may have felt a widow was more apt to handle an aging king. In the Tudors, Christina is wearing a bit too much bling to be in mourning. (The painting shown to the left was completed by Michiel Coxcie and is an accurate depiction of her mourning attire.)

Holbein was commissioned to paint a portrait of Christina (shown here) but Bernard van Orley painted her shortly before him. The Tudors chose to portray van Orley painting Christina and not Holbein probably because van Orley painted Christina in a rich gown instead of her mourning attire. (The mourning attire is kind of dowdy.) In a later scene, The Tudors shows Henry drooling over a really bad sketch of Christina, but in reality Henry fell in love with Holbein’s painting of her.

The Tudors also portrayed Christina as not too thrilled to marry a rumored wife-killer and she makes her famed comment, “if I had two heads, one should be at the King of England's disposal.” As discussed in a previous post, Christina never delivered this quick witted insult nor is there any proof that she did not desire the more exalted position as queen of England. She obviously knew that Henry had run through three wives, but Henry’s bad boy reputation probably wasn’t much of a deal breaker. (When is it ever? ) What was a deal breaker was that she was the grand-niece of Catherine of Aragon and therefore in the forbidden degrees of affinity. Henry knew he was not about to be granted a papal dispensation to marry Christina so negotiations stalled. Ironically, Christina went on to marry Francois, Duc de Bar who was originally betrothed to Anne of Cleves. Either way, Henry may have lost the bride, but he kept the painting and cherished it forever.

After a series of French and Imperial candidates failed to form a love connection with Henry, he considered a German alliance with one of the daughters of Cleves – Anne or Amelia. According to the Tudors, Cromwell supported this love match because Cleves was part of the Protestant League. Unfortunately, the real history is not so simple. Cleves was not part of the Protestant League, but it bordered some of the most powerful Lutheran states. Ironically, Anne’s mother was Catholic and raised Anne in the same religion. Her father and brother were humanists and followers of Erasmus. Still, their humanist beliefs did not prevent Cleves from forming Protestant alliances with neighboring states and even marrying their firstborn daughter, Sybille to the Lutheran elector of Saxony.


At the time of Henry’s wife hunt, the political landscape was changing rapidly. Francis and Charles V had become fast friends yet again (it wouldn't last). Their alliance put England in a precarious situation because it appeared that they were about to gain up on poor old Hank. Now a daughter of Cleves looked enticing, especially when she came from a small principality that strategically bordered the Hapsburg Netherlands. Cleves also contained well-trained German mercenaries ready to fight at a moment’s notice. (I talked a little bit about these mercenaries on a previous post.) So although the marriage did come with the potential for a strong Protestant alliance, this alliance was based more on political necessity than religious doctrine.

A scene follows where Henry wonders if he can trust any of the portraits. Although it depended greatly on the skill of the artist, the purpose of portrait miniature was to obtain an accurate likeness of the sitter. These paintings were never created as idealized representations. Holbein did choose not to show Anne of Cleve’s rumored smallpox scars, but his job as a court painter was to capture realism and Holbein was very good at his job.

As customary, Beard and Sutton were sent to Cleves to inspect Henry’s future bride in person. The Tudors shows them meeting with Anne’s brother, William of Cleves, but in reality they met with the Cleves’ minister Olisleger. It is true that the sisters were wearing veils that prevented the ambassadors from seeing their faces. When they objected to the veils, Olisleger replied, ‘would you see them naked?’(3) They later might have wished that they had said yes. The Tudors uses this quote, but has William of Cleves saying it instead of Olisleger.

Just when you thought you had seen enough puss oozing out of Henry’s leg wound….we get more gratuitous puss scenes. The Tudors depicts Henry on the brink of death with his council wondering who will become the next ruler. These scenes did play out, but they occurred in the reign of Kathryn Howard. Perhaps we will revisit the putrid leg wound again in season 4 because viewers can’t seem to get enough of Henry’s rotting flesh.

Amidst the wife hunting and the puss oozing, the Poles and the Exeters are headed for the executioner’s block. The Tudors does not cover all the people executed during this time. Missing from the bloodbaths are the Marquis of Exeter, Sir Edward Neville and Nicholas Carew. The only Pole to escape Henry’s wrath was Geoffrey Pole because he gave evidence against his family. The Tudors featured Lady Salisbury, Lord Montagu and Montagu’s young son arrested for treason, thrown in the Tower and never given a trial.

Montagu and Henry had never got along and as shown in the Tudors, Montagu did make the foolish comment about how the world would celebrate once the king was dead. Not smart. Lord Montagu was found guilty through an act of attainder.

Lady Salisbury’s guilt was based on the five wounds of Christ banner found in her coffers connecting her to the Pilgrimage of Grace. As shown in the Tudors, she denied being a traitor to the end and was rumored to put up a pretty good fight with her inexperienced executioner. Some accounts have the executioner literally chasing her around the scaffold while hacking away. (Thankfully, Showtime chose not to get this graphic) The part that is very Hollywood is the timing of Lady Salisbury’s death. In reality, Henry let her rot in the Tower for a few years before executing her in 1541 during the reign of Kathryn Howard. What a guy!

Lord Montagu’s young son later died in the Tower. No one knows if he was murdered or if he died of natural causes, but you can bet Henry wasn’t wasting any tears.

History is somewhat divided on whether the Exeters and Poles deserved their fate. By 16th century standards, they were traitors. By modern standards, it’s really hard to justify the execution of a 68-year old woman and her pubescent grandson.

Meanwhile, Cromwell is feeling the stress of being Henry’s right hand man. According to the Tudors, Cromwell becomes connected to Protestant Reformer and accused heretic, John Lambert who he saved from execution during the reign of Anne Boleyn. In reality, Anne was the main force behind Lambert’s reprieve. Still, there were court factions moving against Cromwell in every direction. Let’s just hope Cromwell is able to make a love match between Anne of Cleves and Henry or heads are going roll.

Anne of Cleves makes her appearance next episode. Stay tuned for the next episode of Historical vs. Hollywood….

Sources listed in previous posts

Notes:
(1) Erickson, Kindle location 4605
(2) Warnicke, p. 52
(3) Starkey p. 635

Showtime's The Tudors: Historical vs. Hollywood – Episode 5

Episode 5 opens with a real tear jerker scene showing our once tough-guy king crying like a baby while lovingly caressing Jane’s effigy. (the music score is beautiful.) Henry makes a promise to lie with Jane again—a promise he would later keep when he was buried next to her at in St George's Chapel in Windsor Castle.

The next scene is seemingly thrown in to show the tension between evangelists and Catholic conservatives. On November 13, 1536, Robert Packington, a mercer and rumored evangelist was ironically on his way to mass when he was shot dead.* Packington was a man of sizable wealth and influence in Parliament. Unfortunately, his choice of friends (Cromwell may have been one) had also earned him many enemies in conservative sects. To this day, no one knows who shot Packington. John Foxe in his martyrologies of 1559 claimed John Strokesley, bishop of London, paid a priest to shoot Packington. But in later writings by Foxe, he changed his murder suspect to John Incent, the Dean of St. Paul’s Cathedral. Although we will never know the murderer, some sort of clerical conspiracy is possible.

Meanwhile, Cromwell is on a mission to find Henry a new bride and his first choice is one of the nubile French royalty. But Henry cannot be bothered with marriage plans because he is too busy grieving over his dead wife. In Hollywood timing it looks like Henry grieved an awfully long time. In reality, Henry grieved for about a month before Chapuys was noticing that Henry was having a jolly good time enjoying his masques and planning his next marriage. (Of course, Chapuys comments must always be taken with the usual ill humor he sometimes showed toward Henry.)

Really, if anyone can cheer Henry up… it is his diabolical fool Wil Somers. The scenes with Meyers and his fool are, in my opinion, some of the best acting yet in this season. I really can’t do the sheer darkness that envelopes Meyers character justice in writing, but I can give the background on their relationship…

Wil Somers came into Henry’s service in 1525 and became by far his most beloved fool and companion. With his monkey hanging over his stooped shoulder, his colorful attire and his caustic wit, Somers kept everyone in the court entertained. The job of the fool was basically to make the king laugh, but also to always speak the uncensored truth. At least that is how it worked in theory, but Henry wasn’t always a good sport to playful jesting. One time, Somers had to leave court when he made the comment about Anne Boleyn, “Anne is a ribald, the child is a bastard!” Henry didn’t think that one was so funny.

But if Somers can’t cheer Henry up then perhaps spending some of that hard-earned church money will do the trick. Henry begins plans for Nonsuch Palace (built right where a church once stood). Nonsuch Palace was named its ridiculous name because Henry was in one of those “my castle is bigger than yours” phases in his life where he was trying to rival Francis I’s Chateau de Chambord. Thus, Henry believed no such palace would match the splendor and grandiosity of Nonsuch Palace. Unfortunately, Henry might be a bit disappointed to learn that the Chateau de Chambord is still arguably one of the most beautiful castles in the world and Nonsuch no longer exists. **

Back in the royal nursery, Lady Bryan must supervise Edward’s household and that includes overseeing the cleanliness of his chambers. Henry decreed Edward’s chambers were to be scrubbed down daily so that not a single germ came near the royal heir. You would think all this overzealous attention to cleanliness would have actually weakened his immune system, but by all accounts Edward was a very healthy and robust child.

Meanwhile, Henry enacts the Act of Six Articles. The Tudors breaks down each of the six articles and everything that is listed is true including Cranmer now having to hide his wife. (priests could not marry)

Back in pirate land, Sir Francis Bryan is off searching for Reginald Pole in Italy. (Henry actually appointed several assassins to hunt Pole down. …none of them caught him) The violence depicted on the Tudors might make you wonder if the show is over-dramatizing Sir Francis’ thug appeal, but Francis didn’t get the nickname, ‘the Vicar of Hell’ for nothing. He certainly had no scruples about bringing down his cousin, Anne Boleyn, even though she had been the one to secure his position in Henry’s court. But don’t worry…he will get what is coming to him. (Maybe next episode?)

Although Reginald has escaped his assassins, his actions are not earning him any fan mail. His brother, Lord Montagu and his mother, Margaret Salisbury renounce him and his treasonous actions in a letter. All true. But as the Tudor implies, Montagu and the Countess of Salisbury were forced to write condemning letters to save their heads. In truth, they shared Reginald’s views, but not his bravery/foolishness to go against the king. Would letters really save Reginald’s family? Find out in the next episode…

*Murder by gun was uncommon at this time and Packington may have been the first case in London killed in such a manner.

**Charles II’s mistress, Barbara Castlemaine demolished the castle and used the building materials to pay off her gambling debts.

Showtime's The Tudors: Historical vs. Hollywood – Episode 4

I was a little rushed completing this week's Historical vs. Hollywood because I have been on book tour for most of the week, but I found very few inaccuracies in episode four. If I missed any big ones, please add them to the comment section.

The Tudors opens with more news of the rebels being put down by Suffolk (Norfolk) and Henry’s plans for Jane’s coronation. The model barge Henry admires is a pretty accurate replica of the 1526 Bucentaur used by the Doge of Venice (The painting to the left is a 17th century depiction of it). Henry planned to build a similar barge to bring the queen from Greenwich to London for a royal pageant and then proceed to Westminster to be crowned. The Bucentaur was commonly used in ceremonial rituals in which the chief magistrate of Venice, called the Doge of Venice, would cast a ring into the Adriatic to symbolize the marriage of Venice to the sea. *

Cromwell also discusses Lady Mary’s marriage negotiations with Don Luis, the brother of Charles V’s wife Isabella. Don Luis and Mary were both grandchildren of Ferdinand and Isabella of Spain and therefore first cousins. This put them in the prohibited fourth degree of kinship and needing one of the Pope’s fancy dispensations to marry. We can guess how that turns out. **

Henry has now got word of Reginald’s latest bestseller, Pro ecclesiasticae unitatis defensione where he called Henry a heretic, adulterer and a dirty barrel, among other things. In 1537, Reginald was causing a whole lot of raucous. He had received a warm welcome in Paris where he most likely tried to convince Francis to take action against Henry. This made Henry hopping mad so he wrote to his cousin Francis asking him for, ‘the deliverance of our rebel Reginald Pole.’ (1) Henry then sent his buddies, Sir Francis Bryan and Thomas Thirlby scrambling to France to basically negotiate kidnapping Reginald. (The Bishop of Verona referred to Bryan as one of Henry’s “principal mignons” indicating that he did not have much faith in Bryan’s diplomatic skills.) Just like in the Tudors, Francis refused to deliver Pole, but did promise to expel him within 10 days. Translation: don’t get me involved in your petty arguments cousin.

Meanwhile, Sir Ralph Ellerker is pardoned and can’t believe his luck. In reality Ellerker had got back into the king’s good graces well before the trials began and even gave evidence against Constable. (I personally thought his character was sort of useless.)

Alas, Robert Aske is not so lucky. He is found guilty and is sentenced to hang in chains at the dungeon of Castle York. You might be thinking (as I was) why not just use a rope people? What is with the chains? Well, after some careful research into torture and executions, it turns out that traitors were often hanged in sturdier chains so that their skeletons could be left hanging for years and years. These mutilated corpses served as a public service announcement to the kids of England….just in case they were thinking of betraying their king.

Flash to a gleeful Cromwell who is scribbling away at yet another letter. The letter in this scene was to Sir Thomas Wyatt in Spain and dated July 8th, 1537. Cromwell writes, “The traitors have been executed. The Lord Darcy at Tower Hill. The Lord Hussey at Lincoln. Aske hanged upon the dungeon of the Castle at York. The rest were executed at Tyburn. So that, as far as we can perceive, all the cankered hearts are weeded away.” The Tudors uses this letter word for word. Yey for real history!

The next scene is either pointless or it is predicting one of Henry’s future love interests. The Lisle daughters (Katherine and Anne) are to be sent to Jane and she will choose one of the daughters as a lady-in-waiting. The daughter that she ends up choosing is rumored beauty, Anne Basset. Henry developed a close “friendship” with Anne and there was talk of a rumored affair after Jane’s death. The Tudors may possibly play up this affair in the next few episodes.

Now that Jane is pregnant, Henry is petting her like a prized Chia pet. A dramatic scene follows where Jane invites Henry to feel the quickening of the baby. This scene is given so much attention because in Tudor times, a pregnancy was not considered viable until doctors could feel the baby move, usually by month four at the earliest. Before ultrasounds, you could pretty much have some really bad gas and mistake it for a healthy pregnancy…which better explains why phantom pregnancies were so common.

Next we see Jane’s confinement at Hampton Palace and some truly harrowing birth scenes that would make any pregnant woman wish to be a gay male. (or at least I did.) We see Jane’s doctors begin to impatiently eye their knives as the birth drags on and on. Were Jane’s doctors really considering performing a Cesarean? In truth, Cesareans were rarely performed in the 16th century because it always led to the death of the mother. No evidence exists in any of the accounts of the prince’s birth that Henry considered such an operation so it is doubtful that even he could be so cruel. Still, this scene is not complete Hollywood rubbish. After Jane’s death, many ballads circulated throughout England containing rumors that Henry had killed his wife by ordering she be cut open.

After two days and three nights, (about two minutes in Hollywood time) Jane finally gives birth to a healthy son on the eve of the Feast of St. Edward. (thus he is named Edward.) At the christening, Edward Seymour carried the Lady Elizabeth and Mary acted as one of the godparents. You might have been wondering why neither Jane nor Henry was at the christening, but it was not customary for royalty to attend. Queens had to actually endure a further confinement because they were still considered “dirty” after giving birth.

Meanwhile, Henry is off celebrating and the scene showing him weeping with joy is actually true. After three marriages, many heads rolling and the greatest church schism England had ever experienced….Henry finally had his son. Viewers can now turn off their tv sets. Right? Not exactly…

Eight days after the christening, Jane went down quickly and her drastic change of health surprised everyone around her. Jane’s doctors reported that the queen had suffered a “natural lax”, or loosening of the bowels. Many historians have theorized that the placenta was not fully expelled after the birth and this led to an infection. In the days before antibiotics, there really was not much doctors could do to save a mother with puerperal fever. Often they would bleed the patient in a fever’s early stages by cutting a vein or applying leeches to the genital and buttocks. ( A procedure that sort of makes you feel guilty for complaining about hospital food.) Bloodletting did work to some degree in the early stages of infection by starving the staph bacteria, but was only effective in the first hours of a fever. Unfortunately, it took Jane’s doctors some time to figure out she was headed for the pearly gates.

The scene that follows with Henry visiting his dieing wife is very touching, but unfortunately pure Hollywood. It was simply not customary for Tudor royalty to visit the dieing and Henry had an endearing habit of making a disappearing act when any of his wives faced death. But despite Henry's avoidance of death, he obviously grieved tremendously for Jane. As shown on the Tudors, Henry must have been reminded of losing his mother in the same manner. In a letter to Francis I, Henry wrote, “divine providence has mingled my joy with the bitterness of death of her who brought me this happiness.” (2) As David Starkey has pointed out, Jane was the perfect wife because she had the good sense to die before she could ever fall from Henry’s graces. She was mother of his only legitimate son and the woman that Henry would remember fondly as the true queen of England. Could another woman fill such a role? Stay tuned for the next episode of Historical vs. Hollywood to find out…

*The Bucentuar was also used in state ceremonies and carried Henry II of France in 1547 and Dogaress Morosina Morosini_Grimani in 1597. Sadly, the Bucentaur was destroyed by Napoleon in 1798 to symbolize his conquering of Venice. A project to restore it began in March of 2008.

**ok if you can’t guess, the marriage negotiations fell through when Charles was unable to convince the Pope to grant a dispensation.

Notes:
(1) Bernard, p. 405
(2) Fox, p. 231

Sources:
Bernard, G. W. The King’s Reformation, Henry VIII and the Remaking of the English Court, New Haven, CT: Yale University Press, 2007.
Fox, Julia. Jane Boleyn: The True Story of the Infamous Lady Rochford, New York, NY: Ballantine Books, 2009.

Further Sources listed in previous posts

Showtime's The Tudors: Historical vs. Hollywood – Episode 3

Episode 3 kicks off with Aske being invited back to court for what is shaping up to be the Brady Bunch Christmas…. except Henry is seething inside and looking for an excuse to salt and boil Aske’s head. Henry promises Aske that all leaders will be pardoned and they will have their meeting with Parliament. To show his loyalty, Henry gives him a handsome gift of a robe. In reality, Henry gave him the gold chain off his neck and 1000 pounds.

Little Lady Elizabeth is looking as cute as a button and reciting French to the delight of the court. She was back at court for the celebrations.

Holbein is busy painting the beautiful and very nude Lady Missledon. Minus the jealous fiancé bursting in, this scene is pulled straight from the history books. According to legend, Holbein got into a fight with an anonymous English earl and threw him down the stairs. The injured earl complained to Henry about his injustice, but instead of punishing Holbein, Henry admonished the whining courtier by reminding him, “I tell you, earl, that if it pleased me to make seven dukes of seven peasants, I could do so, but I could never make of seven earls Hans Holbein or any as eminent as he.”(1) (The Tudors uses a very similar line.)

What I thought was particularly interesting about this scene was that they showed Holbein using what looked to be an early form of a camera obscura. A camera obscura is basically an optical device that projects an image onto paper so that the artist could accurately sketch or paint their subject. It is believed to be the first form of photographic images. Art Historians have always wondered if Holbein achieved such accuracy in his paintings by using a camera obscura.

Flash to Francis Bryan getting naughty with Edward Seymour’s wife, Anne Stanhope. It is true that Edward Seymour’s repudiated his first wife, Catherine Fillol for adultery, but he was married to Anne Stanhope by 1534. (Rumors had it that Anne Fillol's affair was with Edward's dad John Seymour. ick.) Contemporaries describing Anne Stanhope have given her the typical 16th century, misogynistic euphemisms for “strong willed". One account referred to her as ‘monstrous’ while another called her ‘more presumptuous than Lucifer’. (Katherine Parr later nicknamed her ‘hell’). Whether these descriptions are deserved or not, Anne certainly kept her husband on a very short leash. But, this short leash did not include cuckolding. So although it is a juicy scene, this one is pure Hollywood.

A touching scene follows where the Lady Mary gives Aske a diamond ring. One of the demands of the Pilgrimage of Grace was that the Lady Mary be made legitimate again so Mary most likely secretly supported their cause. Still, there is no proof of any meeting with Aske or of Mary giving him a diamond.

Aske leaves London and paints a picture to the commoners of just how rosy the world will be once they submit to the king. Constable and Darcy tell him to wake up and smell the deception, but Aske is still as naïve as ever. All true. At this time, the commoners continued to revolt and this was all the excuse Henry needed to reneg on his promises. Suffolk (Norfolk) is instructed to head back north to punish the rebels. What follows may seem like a superfluous amount of bloodshed, but by all accounts the retaliation was as gruesome as depicted. (Yes, Norfolk really did hang all the rebels by trees.) In a later scene, The Tudors touches on the regret Norfolk bears as Henry’s handmaiden of death. Unfortunately, we really don’t know how the Pilgrimage of Grace affected Norfolk, but anyone with a pulse might have felt a little queasy about murdering mostly innocent men fighting for their beliefs.

Suffolk then tells Aske that he is needed back in London to “explain” himself. Aske with his usual dopey, lost puppy look agrees to return to London. All of this could have been prevented if I could have reached into my television and shook some sense into the fool.

Meanwhile, Jane is having the standard pregnancy craving for quail eggs. (This sent my pregnant stomach to the bathroom….but to each their own.) It is true that Jane was gobbling up quails (not their eggs) every chance she could get. Henry even had to order them from Calais and they were rather expensive at 12d for six dozen.

What follows next is a sickening interrogation of the leaders Constable, Darcy and Aske. Constable had a hard time defending himself with the hot poker stuffed up him arse so his interrogation did not have as much dialog. No record exists of Constable being tortured. He was hanged in chains at Hull. Not a pleasant way to die.

Cromwell accuses Aske of spreading untrue rumors that the parishes would be torn down which basically started the whole rebellion. (true) Aske denies the charges and says the real reason for the rebellion was that he was trying to preserve the monasteries which he called, “one of the beauties of the realm.” (He used these exact words.)

Henry later visits Aske in prison. The visit is pure Hollywood, but Henry’s speech to Aske really does hit on why Henry felt justified dissolving the monasteries. By the 16th century, the lifestyle of many of the abbots was completely secular. They often lived in separate lavish households, held offices in parliament and engaged in the same activities as nobles – hawking, feasts, chasing the ladies etc. When a very broke Henry saw the riches of the monasteries…. it didn’t take long for him to see the answer to his financial woes. Henry really did view many of the abbots and monks as “vagabonds” living off the wealth of the church.

In fairness to the monasteries, they provided valuable services to the community including hospitality to rich, alms for the poor, the production of wool, education for women, employed a sizeable workforce and obviously spiritual fulfillment. We can imagine today what happens when a major employer has to close their doors. Many monks and nuns did receive pensions, but they were also out on the streets without work. If your greatest skill is weaving tapestry or chanting hymns then it was kind of hard to find job opportunities.

Meanwhile, Cromwell also accuses Darcy of being a traitor, but Darcy reminds Cromwell that his hands were kind of tied at the time. (see discussion on previous episode.) Cromwell uses Darcy's letter as proof of his deception. This is true. Darcy kept record of all of his correspondences which later provided the proof to convict him. During his interrogation, Darcy bravely defied Cromwell and warned him, “thou wouldst procure all the noblemen’s head within the realm to be stricken off, yet shall there one head remain that shall strike off thy head.(2)” The Tudors incorporated Darcy’s speech into the interrogation scene, but modernized the English. Nice touch. In a later scene, viewers see a meeker Darcy with his pickled head on the Tower bridge. At least he went out with a good speech.

Whose head will roll next….stay tune for episode 4 to find out.

Miss the last episodes of Historical vs. Hollywood?
Read Historical vs. Hollywood for episode 1
Read Historical vs. Hollywood for episode 2

Notes:
(1) Warnicke, p. 141
(2) Moorhouse p. 339

Sources listed in previous episode

The Tudors: Historical vs. Hollywood: Episode 2

First off, there are a few inaccuracies that bare repeating for anyone just joining these posts. Yes, we all know that Henry looked more like the Pillsbury Doughboy than Jonathan Rhys Meyers. And yes, the producers have chosen to Frankenstein some characters. In the Tudors, Suffolk puts down the Yorkshire Rebellion instead of Norfolk. Robert Constable got his name changed to John Constable. (A John Constable did exist, but he refused to join the rebellion and would be turning over in his grave if he knew he got cast as one of the ringleaders.) Lastly, (and this is really nitpicking) Reginald Pole meets with Cardinal von Wahlberg when he really should be meeting with his buddy the Bishop of Verona. But despite the occasional mucking with history, the writers certainly worked hard to keep the real history in the drama that unfolds....

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 2 OF SEASON 3.

The Tudors opens with Cromwell looking frazzled at the recent news of the uprisings. The Lincolnshire rebellion has been squelched, but the far more organized Yorkshire rebellion is proving to be a more difficult matter.

The rebels had employed an ingenious manner to recruit members of nobility to their cause. Basically, any noble that refused to join the cause would have all their goodies taken from them and their castle reduced to a pile of rubble.

The Tudors glosses over Darcy's predicament, but as victim in this tale, his story deserves a little more explaining. Darcy was adamant about not joining the Pilgrimage of Grace which is why he wrote a letter to Henry explaining that he needed more soldiers to defend his castle and withstand the rebels. But Darcy would have probably had more luck writing to Santa Claus because Henry didn't have an army to send to him. Most of the royal army was composed of tenants from local Lords who were a little tied up at the moment fighting for the other side. Predictably, Henry ignored Darcy’s request for arms.

Flash to the bedroom scene... Besides the lack of an army, Henry has other problems. He is still recuperating from his leg wound and showing off his washboard abs for the pleasure of our distaff viewers. Sound titillating? Well, it would have been except Henry’s doctors are also picking pieces of bone out of his puss filled leg. (You might not want to watch this scene during dinner). We still do not know today the cause of Henry’s ongoing leg problems, but the wound may have been caused by an infection of the bone (Osteomyelitis) and his doctors did find splinters of bone.

Henry’s doctors then give him some herbs to heal his wound, but Henry sends for another kind of poultice…. a little of Lady Missledon. She pours on a concoction of sex appeal, crushed pearls and various herbs. The usual hi jinks follows. (Yes, Henry really did use crushed pearls as medicine.) This affair is of course creative license because we do not have proof that Henry was unfaithful to Jane. He did make one comment to Chapuys about missing a few beautiful ladies at court before deciding to get married, but otherwise Henry was as prudish as ever.

Either way, Lady Mistledon’s tender care must have worked. Henry is soon up and about celebrating with Jane and promises to make a trip to the Shrine of Thomas Beckett to give thanks for his improved health. This is the same shrine that he later tears down and scatters the bones to the winds. So much for gratitude.

A radiant Mary is then invited back to court to the delight of papa Henry who proudly proclaims her his “jewel” and tells everyone that he sure is glad she still has her head. Wheeeeew wouldn’t that have made for an awkward moment in history? His exact words are the same used in the Tudors; ‘Some of you were desirous that I should put this jewel to death.’ (1). All of this excitement proves too much for the fragile Mary who swoons before the court. (Yes, she really did faint.)

Henry then wonders if his court's licentiousness has tarnished his precious jewel. The only way to find out is to put Mary’s innocence to a test. At Henry’s command, Sir Francis approaches Mary and asks her if she wants to play “cunnilingus.” Mary agrees, but asks how to play. The scene did really happen with some slight creative license. In reality, Henry tested Mary’s sexual naivete by incorporating some naughty words into a court masque. Mary did not understand the words, but the rest of the court was certainly amused.

On a side note, Mary really was totally innocent to court flirtations. One of her ladies in waiting, Jane Dormer commented that Mary, ‘knew no foul or unclean speeches, which, when her lord father understood, he would not believe it.’ (2) Mary’s innocence continued well into her late 30’s when Dormer tells another funny story involving the notorious flirt, Lord William Howard. One day, Howard tickled the chin of another of Mary’s ladies in waiting, Frances Neville and teasingly said, ‘my pretty whore, how douse thou?’ Mary overheard the conversation and took notes. Later, when Francis was helping Mary dress her lady reused her newly learned vocabulary on Frances saying, ‘God-a-mercy, my pretty whore!” Frances aghast begged Mary not to use that word again explaining it was not a loving term of endearment.

Meanwhile…. A hornet's nest of rebels come knocking on Lord Darcy’s door and he meets with the leader of the rebels, Robert Aske. Aske gives Darcy his usual speech– Their aims are peaceful. They just want Henry to start listening to their grievances and stop listening to Cromwell’s counsel. bla bla bla. (All very true) It doesn’t really matter what Aske says for Darcy is really caught in a rock and a monarchist hard spot. If he doesn’t join the cause, then he loses his home and endangers the safety of his family. If he joins, then he is a traitor. Worst of all, Darcy doesn’t have a single cannon that will fire to protect his castle. (His garrison numbered only 260 men, but it shrunk to half of that by the time of Aske’s visit).

What the Tudors failed to mention is that the poor guy was also living on a greatly reduced income and suffering from a bad base of chronic bowel disorder. Really…. it is too much for our victim Darcy. Old Tom (as he was called by his buddies) just wants to live his last days out in peace with an occasional hearty bowel movement. What was he to do?

Back in London, Henry is roughing Cromwell up with a royal smack down. (He did hit him on practically a daily basis.) Henry commands Cromwell to write a letter to Darcy saying he better hold Pontefract castle or else. (The letter actually came from Henry and was more along the lines of what kind of sissy boy can’t defend his own castle) Henry vainly threatens to make a trip to the North himself to settle matters. This sort of remind me of when my sister and I were really noisy and my Dad would scream up, "don't make me come up there!" Much like my Dad, Henry's threat was an empty one. He didn't visit the north until his royal progress in 1541.

Meanwhile….Reginald Pole meets with Cardinal von Wahlberg. The Cardinal tells Pole that the Holy Father has asked him to write a pamphlet denouncing the king and plans to elevate Pole to the title of Cardinal. Pole agrees to the assignment, but humbly refuses the Cardinal position.

In reality, Henry asked Pole to write down his thoughts on his supposed unlawful marriage to Catherine of Aragon. With reluctance Pole agreed and came back with an unexpected diatribe titled Pro ecclesiasticae unitatis defensione in which he referred to Henry as a “dirty barrel.” Not exactly what Bluff King Hal had in mind, but we can hardly blame Pole for his impertinence. Henry had recently executed his buddies More and Fisher so Pole was in no mood to play nice. In response, Henry sent Pole a summons to appear before him and explain exactly what he meant by “dirty barrel.” But Pole wasn’t that stupid. He declined the invitation and instead headed straight for the Vatican to hide behind Pope Paul III’s skirts while Henry raged in England.

Pole did turn down the fancy red Cardinal’s hat…. at first. He also turned down Cardinal Wosley’s old position of Archbishop of York when Henry offered it to him. Is Pole really that humble or is he simply biding his time? We will have to wait and see.

Pole then meets with the Spanish Ambassador, Mendoza to encourage the uprising in the North along with plans of putting the Lady Mary on the throne. He even goes so far at to suggest that he could easily step into the king’s shoes.

In truth, we do not know what Pole’s intentions were. On one hand, he showed his humility by turning down lucrative positions. On the other hand, he had set up a base in Flanders, upon the orders of the Pope, with the obvious intention of leading a foreign invasion. Overall, Pole was probably the greatest threat to Henry's reign, not only because he had a better claim to the throne and the ability to stir public opinion in his direction, but because he had the means to establish a foreign invading army. In Henry’s mind, Pole and all his kin had to be exterminated like cockroaches.

Back in the north, Aske gives his demands to Suffolk (Norfolk) that includes a new Parliament to be summoned and the restoration of the abbeys, but not a mention of Cromwell. Later, when the rebels meet with Suffolk again they list Cromwell as their last request. We must remember that the pilgrims had no desire to displace their king, but they did want to change the tide of corrupt rule under Cromwell. Cromwell’s dismissal was really the number one sticking point to settle their grievances. It was not an afterthought.

Meanwhile, Henry has promised a pardon to all leaders in the insurrection and a future meeting with Parliament to hear their grievances. In reality, Henry had a list of 10 people that were not included in this pardon. Aske and Constable were on the "no pardon list," but conveniently for Henry, neither knew it.

You would think that since Aske was a lawyer that he would have got all of Henry's promises in writing but....noooooooo. He actually trusted the king's "word." Sir Constable (who was not a lawyer) basically says he trusts the king about as far as he can throw him (which isn't far because Henry is pretty pudgy by this point.) Constable bases his mistrust on a letter he secretly receives. This letter is pure Hollywood, but it is true that Robert Constable was against a truce while Aske believed in sugar plum fairy tales and a king who kept his word. Silly Aske.

Next, there is a scene between Henry and Suffolk that is not entirely fair to Henry. In this scene, Suffolk asks Henry what he should tells the rebels and Henry basically says, “oh I trust you. Just make something up. “ It is true that Henry tended to trust the day to day drudgery of his administration to his trusted advisers and Norfolk was left to pick up the pieces in the north. But Henry was always actively involved in more weighty matters of policy. For example, Henry would often open letters addressed to Cromwell and Cromwell himself often instructed others when writing to him to also send a copy to the king. Henry was pretty much like any typical CEO today. He didn’t want to be bothered when it came time to order more staples, but he certainly would not be out to lunch if the company were going under. (Ok maybe that is bad example. Some CEO’s probably would be out to lunch) But you get the point. Henry would never have sat back and told Suffolk to handle things on his own during the greatest threat to his throne. I am guessing that the producers are trying to build up the tension and stress upon Suffolk because it is statistically proven fact that every time Henry Cavil sweats it raises ratings.

Meanwhile, Aske gets invited to dinner at Henry's place. Will Aske really be so foolish as to think Hank is going to give him a big hug and kiss and say no hard feeling about almost bringing down my kingdom like a house of cards? Well, someone has to play the fool in this drama. Find out in the next episode….

Notes:
(1) Weir p. 360
(2) Weir p. 5

Sources and Further Reading:
Moorhouse, Geoffrey, The Pilgrimage of Grace: The Rebellion that shook Henry VIII's Throne, Troy, Michigan: Phoenix, 2003.
Hoyle, R.W. The Pilgrimage of Grace and the Politics of the 1530s. New York, NY: Oxford University Press, USA, 2003.
Starkey, David. The Six Wives of Henry VIII. New York, NY: Harper Perennial, 2004
Fraser, Antoinia. The Six wives of Henry VIII, New York, NY: Vintage, 1993
Weir, Alison. The Six Wives of Henry VIII. New York, NY: Grover Press, 1991