Answer #5

Codpiece #5: Philip II (When size matters)
I have to restrain myself on codpiece #5 because every time I poke fun of Philip II, someone sends me an emails saying, "Please stop calling Philip a boob." I am feeling charitable today, so I will merely compliment Philip on his delicately crafted, prodigious codpiece beautifully rendered by Titian.

Titian painted several portraits of Philip even though the grumpy prince never seem satisfied with the artist's work.* In one letter, Philip reported that the armor looked painted in "haste". Nevertheless, Philip sent one of Titian's hasty portraits (not this one) to his future bride, Mary Tudor. When Mary saw the portrait, the only haste she felt was to get her hands on her new husband.

You probably know the rest of the story...after Mary's death, Philip made some grand overtures to Mary's half-sister, Elizabeth I in the form of a marriage proposal and Elizabeth had the sizeable enough brains to turn it down.

Years later during an attack on the English, Philip's honking large fleet of ships, the Spanish Amanda, got stuck in the English canal proving that sometimes big is not always better. ** I guess that makes him sort of a _ _ _ _.

*You know that Titian was such a hack.
**I am trying to see how many bad puns I can put in one posts.