Feeling ill? Just ask Dr. Hank

When Henry VIII wasn't jousting, playing tennis, shooting his bow and arrow, gambling, at church, smacking Cromwell or chasing the ladies, he was locked away in his chambers mixing up some pretty strange medical cures. Need a cure for those dreaded monthly cramps? Maybe you have a puss-filled ulcer that could use a little TLC? Just head on over to POP Tudors where I will be guest blogging on Henry VIII's favorite cures.

Mary Tudor gets a new boyfriend

I am going to be a little late with this week’s episode of The Tudor's Historical vs. Hollywood, but I got a couple of emails from readers asking if Mary Tudor's love interest, Philip of Bavaria was a Hollywood invention. Philip Count Palatine, duke of Bavaria was a real person, but whether he was as hunky as Colin O’Donoghue is up for debate.

Philip, Duke of Bavaria came to England at the request of Henry VIII on December 8, 1539 with the hopes of wedding Mary. In the Tudors, Philip is portrayed as a Lutheran, but Cardinal Farnese reported to Pope Paul III that Philip was a Catholic. (1) Still, everyone knew the marriage alliance came with Lutheran and not Catholic support. Much like Cleves, Bavaria was closely aligned to the powerful princes of the Protestant Schmalkaldic league, but had not joined the league. At the time of the marriage negotiations, bets were being placed that Bavaria's status would soon change and upon hearing of the marriage negotiations, the French ambassador Castillon predicted that, ‘…if this King be abandoned both by Francis and the Emperor, he will enter the league and do his best to bring in the duke of Juliers [Duke William of Cleves] and the duke of Bavaria.’ (2) (Castillon’s prediction proved inaccurate because Henry stayed Catholic and Bavaria ended up fighting on the Catholic Imperial side in the Schmalkaldic War of 1546-1547….a story for another day.)

I hate to wreck a good love story, but Mary was actually not too keen on the idea of marrying Philip wishing instead ‘to continue still a maid during her life.’ But alas, she also understood that daddy’s wishes were to be obeyed and a secret betrothal was arranged. Philip was made a knight of the Order of England and a marriage contract and draft treaty were drawn up. In the marriage contract, Henry promised his daughter would come with a dowry including “40,000 golden florins” and a bunch of other goodies (but inheriting the thrown of England was not one of them). In return, Philip promised to kick the French or Imperial king’s butt if they dared to gang up on Henry. Philip then spoke to Mary in the gardens then adjoining the abbey of Westminster using some latin and German translators. Mary's dashing new suitor was even bold enough to plant a wet one on his future bride. Awwwwww. Had Mary found true love? According to court gossip, the betrothal was at least a done deal and the happy couple, ‘mutually declared, the said lord his resolution, taken with this King, to have her for wife …and the said lady her willingness to obey her father.'(3)

Then…inexplicably, the marriage negotiations fell apart and Philip returned to his own country mid January. We are left to speculate on why the match failed, but most likely Henry changed his mind because he didn’t need the support of the Protestant League once French and Imperial forces were no longer a threat.

But if you want to see more of the gorgeous O’Donoghue then viewers might be in luck because history tells us that we have not seen the last of Philip. He returned to England in 1546 to win Mary back. Will these two star-cross lovers find true love? Maybe season four will continue their torrid tale...

Notes:
(1) L.P., vol. XIV Part 2: August-December 1539, Card Farnese to Paul III
(2)L.P., vol. XIV Part 1: January-July 1539, pp. 51-77. Castillon to Montmorency
(3) L.P., vol. XIV Part 2: August-December 1539, Marillac to Montmorency

Showtime's The Tudors: Historical vs. Hollywood – Episode 7

In Episode seven, Henry has fallen in love. Unfortunately, the object of his affection is a small miniature portrait and not the real woman it portrays. The miniature (shown here) is truly beautiful and can be seen in the Victoria and Albert Museum. Aside from her stunning portrait, most reports of Anne’s beauty were favorable too. The English ambassador, Christopher Mont reported that, ‘She excelleth the Duchess [of Milian], as the golden sun excelleth the silvern moon.’ (The Tudors uses this quote). This comment would be kind of like trying to fix a guy up on a blind date and saying, “She looks like Julia Roberts….except hotter". As discussed in last episode, The Duchess of Milan was truly the Julia Roberts of her day. We can imagine how high the bar was set.

Meanwhile, things are getting messy in England. The Spanish and French ambassadors have been recalled—a clear sign that war is about to be declared on England. Cromwell suggests a Cleves marriage to protect England from Franco-Imperial forces and Henry agrees. Henry has now become desperate for the support of the Schmalkaldic League. Just trying saying Schmalkaldic three times and you will understand why he was so desperate.

Later, Chapuys appears in a meeting with Henry and tells him that it was just rumors that he had been recalled and that he never left. This is not exactly true. Chapuys was recalled but not for an extended period.

Meanwhile The Duke of Suffolk and Edward Seymour are up to no good. They decide to patch up their quarrels and unite in the common goal of bringing down Cromwell. In reality, the Duke of Norfolk and Stephen Gardiner were the main faction moving against Cromwell . More on that later…

When Mary hears about the Cleves marriage, she has a hissy fit and has a few choice words for what she thinks of a Lutheran queen. As discussed in last week’s post, Anne was a Catholic. But most importantly, Mary never wished Anne to the “bottom of the sea.”But this is sort of a real line from history. Anne Boleyn had supposedly wished Catherine of Aragon and all her Spanish cohorts to the bottom of the sea. Good line. Wrong person.

The Tudors shows Brandon meeting Anne in Calais, but in reality it was Lord Lisle who had been instructed to greet her. What is true is the foreboding weather we see in the background because Anne’s departure from Calais was delayed due to strong winds. The person in charge of entertaining Anne was Admiral Fitzwilliam. (The Tudors shows the hunky Brandon as Anne’s chief entertainer…and who really can complain about another scene with Brandon?) The card game that Brandon (Fitzwilliam) and Anne play was called ‘cent’ and by Fitzwilliam’s report, Anne was a quick learner.

Anne and her party then set sail for the Downs where they were met by Brandon and his wife, but the weather was still so bad that it caused further delays. Henry became so impatient to meet his beloved that he decided he must go to her instead and “nourish love.” (a real quote) The scene that unfolds simply doesn’t do the true meeting justice. In the Tudors, Henry rushes to Rochester with a gift of sables. As soon as he lays eyes on Anne, he is repulsed and leaves without giving her his gift of sables. Boo hoo.

Why bull-baiting makes a terrible first date
In reality, Shakespeare could not have written a better tragic comedy for Anne and Henry’s first meeting. Anthony Browne, A gentlemen of the King’s chamber who was very close to the king, left us a first hand account of their botched first meeting. Here is what really happened:

New Year’s day was almost over and Anne was watching the bull-baiting out the window of her chamber. In 16th century England, bull-baiting and bear-baiting were as patriotic as making fun of the queen’s hats is today. Anne didn’t get out much in Cleves so we can imagine that she must have been feeling a mixture of awe and….my these English are a much of hooligans! In walks Henry. But he isn’t dressed as Henry with his usually 80’s style puffy sleeves and ridiculously tight hose. He is dressed in a bear suit.

No, I jest. He wasn’t dressed as a bear because that would have been actually funny. But he was disguised as a regular old fat courtier. If you and I were there, we might immediately have said,…Look! There is big fat Henry and not been fooled one bit. But Anne had never seen the 6.2 king and wasn’t expecting any pranks. To Henry, these were not pranks, but part of the ritual of courtly love. Henry, like others of his day, believed that your true love would always see through any disguise. Unfortunately, Anne had not been schooled in the art of English flirting and she was too engrossed in the bull-baiting to notice her true love. Henry then left the room and reentered dress like a king. Anne suddenly realized she had just dissed the king of England….not a good start to marital bliss.

Henry then returns to court and mutters his infamous quote, “I like her not!” (In the Tudors, he says it three times…that might be overkill) Henry screams, “She looks like a horse…a Flanders Mare!” As discussed in an earlier posting, Henry never said this infamous line.

A bunch of finger pointing on whom exaggerated Anne’s appearance then follows. The scene does provide some comic relief when Hutton makes the anachronistic comment, “I told you that I was no good with women.” Although this comment made me giggle like Kathryn Howard on a swing, Wotton did say in one of his reports, ‘I knowledge myself of judgement herein very ignorant. ‘ Sorry Cromwell. He warned you.

Heads are going to fly! Henry warns, “I am not well- handled.”( a real quote) . He then tells Cromwell that he has been backed into a corner and, 'if it were not that she had come so far into my realm, and the great fear of making a ruffle in the world and of driving her brother into the arms of the Emperor and the French King, I would not now marry her.' Politics had locked Henry into an unwanted marriage, but political alliances could change quickly…as we shall see later.

We must remember that many of those surrounding Henry might have been shocked by his reaction. By all accounts, Anne was very pretty. She came with the backing of the Schmalkaldic League and an impressive royal lineage. She was intelligent and could read and write in German. (It is doubtful Jane could read and write). She was rumored to be virtuous which was VERY important to Henry as we will see later with Miss Giggles. And although she could not dance, sing, flirt or play any instruments, she was a whiz with a needle and thread. But alas, Henry didn’t need a wife to make shirts.

Henry then sent his council scrambling to find a legal loophole out of the wedding. He says, 'Is there no remedy, but that I needs must put my neck into the yoke?' (The Tudor uses this quote.) Cromwell certainly better find a remedy or he is going to find his neck yoked with the edge of a blunt axe.

Henry goes through with the wedding, but he looks like he about to have 10 teeth pulled instead of wedding a beautiful girl. In reality, Henry appeared perfectly content in public.

When is a pear not just a pear?
Meanwhile, Cromwell catches a young boy of his court trying to steal a pear as he is praying in his chambers. The boy is shocked to see Cromwell not praying in church. Cromwell then gives him the “god is everywhere” lecture and tells the boy that he does not need to go to church to talk to god. This is what I was taught in Catholic school, but it was heresy then. In the 16th century, the church had a monopoly on god. If you wanted to pray, you had to come to church. If you wanted forgiveness, then you had to pay for an indulgence. If you wanted to get married, then you had to go to the church. We tend to take our freedom of choice for granted, but it was something 16th century people had to fight for. (and that’s all the lecturing I will do on religion…promise)

Also of note is the significance of the pear in this scene. I can’t take credit for this one because I am simply not this observant, but a reader on the Tudor discussion board pointed out that a pear in Christianity symbolized Christ’s love for mankind. (In the above painting of the Madonna and Child she offers up a pear. ) Some might argue that a pear is just a pear, but I think the writers’ choice was not arbitrary.

On Henry and Anne’s wedding night, they are up really late but unfortunately…they were not doing newlywed things. They were playing cards. In their bed, Henry is so repulsed that he appears to have some amusing performance problems. Many historians have proposed that Henry may have been impotent by this point so this scene is not pure Hollywood.

The next day, Cromwell asks Henry what he thinks of Anne and Henry replies, 'Surely, my lord, I liked her before not well, but now I like her much worse! '(The Tudors uses this quote) Henry even suspects Anne’s virginity. His evidence was the, 'looseness of her breasts and other tokens'—a sure sign by 16th century standards that the filly had been broken in. Henry then claimed that he could not be, ‘stirred to that act’ and left her as good a maid as he found her. Henry later confides to Doctor Butts that he can not perform with the queen because he finds her body so “disorderly”. He places the blame squarely on Anne because he has had several wet dreams . (yes, he really said this). Poor Anne. Did I mention she was handy with a needle?

Cromwell then meets with Anne and tells her to do everything she can to please the king. We have no record of such a conversation taking place, but it is interesting to get a dramatic portrayal of what Anne might have thought. In the Tudors, she tells Cromwell that Henry is no prize with his stinkin leg wound.

The Tudors ends with a scene between Lady Bryan and Anne where Lady Bryan is forced to give her “the birds and the bees” conversation. Anne tells her that the king kisses her goodnight and asks her…isn’t that enough? If we look back at what the real Henry looked like, one would say….sheesh that IS enough. This scene did happen, but the conversation took place with Lady Rochford and not Lady Bryan. The episode ends with Anne asking the question on everyone’s mind, “If I cannot please the king, will he kill me?

Stay tuned to for the final episode of Historical vs. Hollywood to find out…

The Execution of Anne Boleyn: The Prophecy of Merlin fulfilled?

Today marks the anniversary of Anne Boleyn’s death. The following account details her execution from a Spanish report:

Immediately the executioner did his office; and when her head was off it was taken by a young lady and covered with a white cloth. Afterwards the body was taken by the other ladies, and the whole carried into the church nearest to the Tower of London. …Thus, he who wrote this billet says that, according to old writings, he has seen the prophecy of Marlin fulfilled.(1)

The Prophecy of Merlin
The “prophecy of Marlin” refers to the prophecy of Merlin (16th century people couldn’t spell)*. These prophecies were printed in Geoffrey of Monmouth’s Book of Merlin in his Historia Regum Brittaniae. The book first appeared in the 12th century and chronicled the history of the Britons and the predictions of the wizard Merlin from the Arthurian Legend. One of these prophecies foretold that Henry should take power from Rome, ‘root out from the land all the razored skulls;’ and should neither spare, “man in his rage nor woman in his lust.” (2)

Sibyllic prophecies
During the 16th century, prophecies in England existed in two major forms. The first was Sibyllic in which initials, numbers and puns represented someone’s name. An example of a popular Sibyllic prophecy was, ‘that A B and C should sit all in one seat, and should work great marvels,’ (3) The A and B supposedly stood for Anne Boleyn while the C stood for either Cromwell or Cranmer.

Another prophecy printed in a book of prophecies featured a poisoned ink drawing illustrating a male figure labeled as “H” and two female figures labeled, “K” and “A.” The H figure obviously stood for Henry while the K and A figures stood for Henry's two dueling wives, Katherine and Anne. Unfortunately the A figure was missing her head. (Anne saw the drawings, but dismissed them as “bauble”. )

Another example of a popular Sibyllic prophecy during Henry’s reign was:

“When hempe is ripe and ready to pull,
Then, Englishman, beware thy skull.” (4)

The word “hempe” was meant to signify the beginning initials of England’s monarchs. H represented Henry VIII, E represented Edward, M represented Mary, P represented Philip II who supposedly shared in the prediction by marrying Mary, and E represented Elizabeth.

Galfriedian prophecies
The second popular form of prophecy was called Galfriedian, and employed the use of animals and other living creatures to represent a person. An example of a popular Galfriedian prophecy (and far less flattering to Anne ) was:

‘when this Cowe rideth the bull
than priest beware thy skull.’

The cow represented Henry VIII and the bull represented Anne Boleyn.

The prophecy that came true (sort of)
Another popular prophecy might have come true if Henry had followed through with the harsher punishment for traitors of burning. This prophecy, whose origins are unknown, predicted that a queen of England should be burnt at the stake. After the honeymoon phase had ended with Henry and the happy couple started to bicker, Anne might have taken this prediction more seriously. In an argument with Henry she told her husband that it had been said that a queen of England would be burnt but, “even if I were to suffer a thousand deaths, my love for you would not abate one jot’. (5) I wonder is she would have still felt this way with her head missing?

Prophecies, like rumors, are interesting to dissect because they often reflect the people’s fears and hopes. Stay tuned for a future post on the predictions of Elizabeth Barton, The Holy Maid of Kent.

*ok, they could spell, but their spelling was not confined to an alphabet of 26 letters nor any strict spelling convention. If you were to step back in the 16th century and tell Elizabeth I that she couldn't spell she might say, God's teeth! and send you along your way as a crazy person. For a further description of the Tudor alphabet - Read the The Raucous Royals by yours truly.

Notes:
(1) 'Henry VIII: May 1536, 16-20', Letters and Papers, Foreign and Domestic, Henry VIII, Volume 10: January-June 1536 (1887), pp. 371-391
(2) Mackay, p 281
(3) Dodds, p4
(4) Mackay, p 281
(5) Starkey, Kindle location 7161

Sources and Further Reading:
Mackay, Charles. Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds, New Yorkm, NY: Three Rivers Press, 1995.
Starkey, David. The Six Wives of Henry VIII. New York, NY: Harper Perennial, 2004.
Political Prophecies in the Reign of Henry VIII, Dodds, Madeleine Hope, The Modern Language Review, Voll 11, No. 3 (Jul., 1916) pp. 276-284.
Ives, Eric. The Life and Death of Anne Boleyn, Malden, MA: Blackwell Publishing, 2005.

The Raucous Royals Book of the Month: Mistress of the Sun by Sandra Gulland

As Showtime’s The Tudors comes to a close, royal junkies might be looking for their next Meyer replacement hottie. Sure...Henry VIII may have had a great calf, but he couldn’t hold a candle to Louis XIV’s delicately hosed gams. As skilled in the hunt as he was performing a ballet, Louis was the metro-sexual hunk of his day and women tended to fall into a helpless swoon in his presence.

One of the women to fall victim to Louis’ charms was Henriette-Anne, Duchess of Orleans. (shown here). Many historians have commented that Henriette-Anne would have made the perfect queen of France ….if she had not been already married to Louis’ brother, Philippe. But a forbidden relationship didn’t stop Louis and Henriette-Anne from spending way too much time together and soon their friendship attracted court gossip and the stern disapproval of Louis’ mother. In 17th century France, it was perfectly acceptable for Louis to have affairs, but not with his sister-in-law. Such an affair (if there was more than a friendship) was viewed as incestuous as having an affair with your actual sister. The scandal was just too much for even Louis. The solution was simple: create a diversion. Enter Louise de la Valliere (nicknamed ‘Petite’) — the unknowing beard to Louis’ indiscretions. But while Louis was trying to throw his mother off the scent, something strange happened. He fell in love with the beard.

Usually, Louise de la Valliere is portrayed as the perpetually teary-eyed, love-sick mistress better suited for a life in the convent than the role of Maitrise-en-titre. In Mistress of the Sun by Sandra Gulland, Petite is no wallflower passively soaking up the Sun King’s attention, but a high-spirited idealists with several alluring talents. She was rumored to be the most beautiful dancer at court despite an injury that forced her to walk with a limp. Probably most impressive, was her skill as a horsewoman. It was said that she could ride a Barbary horse bareback by steering it with a single silken cord. The first few chapters of Mistress of the Sun are dedicated to developing Petite's character as a horse tamer. (She is going to need these talents later when she meets Louis). She develops a special bond with a wild stallion named Diablo until the horse runs amok and causes a tragedy to shatter her happy home life. Petite then meets a handsome huntsman in the forest who turns out to be someone who will change her life forever. In the end, Petite proves to be as fearless on a horse as she is in love. This is a story that needs little fabrication and thankfully Gulland fills in the blanks without distorting the real history behind her characters. And although this is an adult novel, it will also appeal to teens who love romance with a twist of equestrian lore.

As author of the Josephine trilogies, Sandra Gulland’s greatest strength is that she goes beyond weaving great love stories. In her usual meticulous attention to historical details, we also get a glimpse into the opulent court of Louis XIV and the superstitions that governed the era. Some of my favorite details are the superstitious medical beliefs surrounding childbirth. Examples: Enemas were used to widen the birth canal. ouch! Infants born on the third day after the new moon rarely lived. And my personal favorite postpartum treatment - a layer of St. John’s Wort oil followed by a thick rabbitskin lain over the belly. Perhaps other readers will just get swept along in the romance. To me, these little bits of historical trivia are like having a delicious feast that you know won’t make you fat.

This month, I will be giving away a copy of Mistress of the Sun to two lucky readers. All subscribers of the monthly Raucous Royals Newsletter are automatically entered to win. If you are not a subscriber, than you can subscribe here.

David Starkey's lecture now available

The British Library has posted David Starkey's lecture on Henry VIII. The always entertaining Starkey discusses how biography has become a female dominated genre (huh?), why Henry wrote like a girl, and how his Dad was a tough act to follow. It all comes back to how the women in his life altered Henry's personality....which is an ironic stance to take considering that his latest book has been marketed as the non feminised biography of Henry.

Anne Boleyn's infamous B Necklace

For the Tudor junkies, I found this beautiful B necklace over at the Anne Boleyn Files. I have to confess that I got my B necklace several years ago. (no surprise there!).

I was at a bar one night getting teased relentlessly by friends for being such a history geek. My sister bet me that no one in the bar would know the meaning behind my necklace. I took her up on her bet because even history geeks go to bars. Well, I lost the bet. The answers I got were:

A. Bruins (pleeeease)
B. Boston Red Sox (most common)
C. Boston (acceptable)
(This was before the show Ugly Betty was on)

ah well. I like living in my little Tudor history bubble.

The Running of the Teachers and the Waddling of the Author

I am a little late with this post, but I wanted to thank my publisher, Houghton Mifflin for my glamorous tour of Minneapolis and the folks of IRA (International Reading Association) for honoring The Raucous Royals with the Intermediate Nonfiction Award for Young Adults. At the conference, I attended the awards luncheon at the swanky Hilton Ballroom and for just a brief moment felt like I might have a clue as to what I am doing in this crazy world of publishing. But….then that moment passed when I had to waddle up to the stage to accept my award and pray that I wouldn’t trip over my feet. (They are becoming hard to see lately).

I really had no idea that IRA was so large. About 15,000 people go every year, but this year it was broken up into two conferences so about 7000 were there. Still…that’s a lot of people and a lot of books. I was in book heaven. I managed to score a signed copy of the Caldecott winner, A House in the Night along with a signed copy of the beautiful Red Sings from Treetops.

My favorite part of the conference was the end. For those of you that live in New England, you might remember that once upon a time Filenes Basement would host their infamous “Running of the Brides.” Brides would first line up in front of Filenes Basement in the hopes of snagging a designer wedding dress at a dirt cheap price. Filenes would then open the doors….and brides to-be would swarm down upon the dresses like flies on white bread. The event always led to some interesting stories of brides taking down other brides in the search for their perfect dress.

Well, at IRA all the publishers give away their display books for free at the end of the conference creating what I can only call “The Running of the Teachers.” If you think standing in the way of a bride and her perfect dress is risky then you should see what happens when you stand in the way of a teacher trying to bring back the perfect book for their classroom. I didn’t understand the process and almost got pummeled by an eager teacher waiting for her turn. It got so ugly that I had to hide out at the Houghton Mifflin booth until the carnage ended. (Instead of giving books away, Houghton Mifflin donates their books to IRA who in turn give them to a needy school.) Thankfully, I came back unscathed and even managed to get an extra motivational boost from the people (all three of you) who stopped by at my signing.

I hope to go to IRA again next year, but I plan to come prepared with padded clothing, extra bags, and my teacher game face on for the Running of the Teachers.

Showtime's The Tudors: Historical vs. Hollywood – Episode 6

In episode six, the wear and tear of three wives, a septic leg wound, a major uprising and total religious upheaval is starting to take its toll on Henry. Bluff king Hal is simply not the virile and handsome king of his youth. Although we don’t see Meyers physically age, he manages to act enough like a dirty old man leering at schoolgirls to convince viewers that his heyday has come and gone. This feeling of lost youth plays into his choice for the next Mrs. Tudor…

In reality, over 12 candidates for marriage were considered, but this is TV land and there is obviously no need to go through each one. According to the Tudors, one of the first candidates was Marie, the daughter of the French king, Francis I. I had to keep rewinding this scene because I couldn’t understand why Showtime renamed Francis’ daughter “Marie” when her name was Margaret? But it is true that Henry turned down Margaret (shown here) because of her young age. This is ironic considering that he had no qualms about robbing Kathryn Howard’s cradle years later.

As portrayed in the Tudors, Henry preferred the second French candidate, Mary de Guise (shown here). Mary was a little older, a little more experienced and had a little more junk in her trunk than Margaret. Henry claimed that such a woman was better suited for him because he was “big in person and had need of a big wife.” (1) True…one romantic moment with Henry might crush the average woman, but the real reason Henry wanted Mary was part ego and part politics. Mary was already promised to Henry’s rival, James V of Scotland and this obstacle made her all the more desirable. Henry was adamant about preventing a Franco- Scottish alliance so stealing Mary from James seemed like the gallant thing to do. Unfortunately, Henry’s political cockblocking failed and Mary ended up in a cold, damp castle married to James. Mary's daughter, Mary Queen of Scots would have her run in with Henry’s daughter, Elizabeth I years later....but that is a story left for another day or another post.

After a love match with Mary de Guise failed, Henry considered a match with one of her two sisters, Louise and Renee. Louise was rumored to still be a virgin (a rarity in the French court) so the French ambassador, Castillon suggested that Henry choose her in order to “shape the passage to your measure.” The Tudors uses this quote.

The others sister, Renee was not a good candidate for marriage because she was already promised to the big guy upstairs and was to become the abbess of St. Peters. This minor detail did not stop Henry from sending his ambassadors to meet with her. Henry’s arrogant actions prompted the constable to quip to the Imperial ambassador that, “I have no doubt that as the king of England considers himself a pope in his own kingdom, he would have preferred the nun to any other daughter of the royal blood in France. “(2)

After considering many French potential brides, Henry then asked Francis if he could throw a prospective wife beauty pageant and inspect each of the ladies up close. (The talent show would follow.) It was not an unreasonable request for a king to inspect his future wife before committing to marriage. What was a little extreme was to ask to see all of the potential brides at once. (Henry’s was in a bit of a rush to marry) Francis of course refused causing the French ambassador to joke that Henry should instead mount all the ladies like horses and then decide who to marry. (The Tudors uses this quote) The part that is a tad Hollywood was Henry’s reaction to this comment. In the Tudors, Henry yells at the French ambassador in his usual bullish tone. In reality, Henry probably felt a bit shamed by the ambassador’s comment because he nervously laughed along with him.

On the Imperial side, Henry’s first choice was the dimple-faced beauty Christina, Duchess of Milan. The quote on the Tudors describing Christina as not as pure white as Jane, but with adorable dimples is a real quote. Christina was rumored to be the most beautiful woman in the Netherlands. She also had recently become a widow and Henry may have felt a widow was more apt to handle an aging king. In the Tudors, Christina is wearing a bit too much bling to be in mourning. (The painting shown to the left was completed by Michiel Coxcie and is an accurate depiction of her mourning attire.)

Holbein was commissioned to paint a portrait of Christina (shown here) but Bernard van Orley painted her shortly before him. The Tudors chose to portray van Orley painting Christina and not Holbein probably because van Orley painted Christina in a rich gown instead of her mourning attire. (The mourning attire is kind of dowdy.) In a later scene, The Tudors shows Henry drooling over a really bad sketch of Christina, but in reality Henry fell in love with Holbein’s painting of her.

The Tudors also portrayed Christina as not too thrilled to marry a rumored wife-killer and she makes her famed comment, “if I had two heads, one should be at the King of England's disposal.” As discussed in a previous post, Christina never delivered this quick witted insult nor is there any proof that she did not desire the more exalted position as queen of England. She obviously knew that Henry had run through three wives, but Henry’s bad boy reputation probably wasn’t much of a deal breaker. (When is it ever? ) What was a deal breaker was that she was the grand-niece of Catherine of Aragon and therefore in the forbidden degrees of affinity. Henry knew he was not about to be granted a papal dispensation to marry Christina so negotiations stalled. Ironically, Christina went on to marry Francois, Duc de Bar who was originally betrothed to Anne of Cleves. Either way, Henry may have lost the bride, but he kept the painting and cherished it forever.

After a series of French and Imperial candidates failed to form a love connection with Henry, he considered a German alliance with one of the daughters of Cleves – Anne or Amelia. According to the Tudors, Cromwell supported this love match because Cleves was part of the Protestant League. Unfortunately, the real history is not so simple. Cleves was not part of the Protestant League, but it bordered some of the most powerful Lutheran states. Ironically, Anne’s mother was Catholic and raised Anne in the same religion. Her father and brother were humanists and followers of Erasmus. Still, their humanist beliefs did not prevent Cleves from forming Protestant alliances with neighboring states and even marrying their firstborn daughter, Sybille to the Lutheran elector of Saxony.


At the time of Henry’s wife hunt, the political landscape was changing rapidly. Francis and Charles V had become fast friends yet again (it wouldn't last). Their alliance put England in a precarious situation because it appeared that they were about to gain up on poor old Hank. Now a daughter of Cleves looked enticing, especially when she came from a small principality that strategically bordered the Hapsburg Netherlands. Cleves also contained well-trained German mercenaries ready to fight at a moment’s notice. (I talked a little bit about these mercenaries on a previous post.) So although the marriage did come with the potential for a strong Protestant alliance, this alliance was based more on political necessity than religious doctrine.

A scene follows where Henry wonders if he can trust any of the portraits. Although it depended greatly on the skill of the artist, the purpose of portrait miniature was to obtain an accurate likeness of the sitter. These paintings were never created as idealized representations. Holbein did choose not to show Anne of Cleve’s rumored smallpox scars, but his job as a court painter was to capture realism and Holbein was very good at his job.

As customary, Beard and Sutton were sent to Cleves to inspect Henry’s future bride in person. The Tudors shows them meeting with Anne’s brother, William of Cleves, but in reality they met with the Cleves’ minister Olisleger. It is true that the sisters were wearing veils that prevented the ambassadors from seeing their faces. When they objected to the veils, Olisleger replied, ‘would you see them naked?’(3) They later might have wished that they had said yes. The Tudors uses this quote, but has William of Cleves saying it instead of Olisleger.

Just when you thought you had seen enough puss oozing out of Henry’s leg wound….we get more gratuitous puss scenes. The Tudors depicts Henry on the brink of death with his council wondering who will become the next ruler. These scenes did play out, but they occurred in the reign of Kathryn Howard. Perhaps we will revisit the putrid leg wound again in season 4 because viewers can’t seem to get enough of Henry’s rotting flesh.

Amidst the wife hunting and the puss oozing, the Poles and the Exeters are headed for the executioner’s block. The Tudors does not cover all the people executed during this time. Missing from the bloodbaths are the Marquis of Exeter, Sir Edward Neville and Nicholas Carew. The only Pole to escape Henry’s wrath was Geoffrey Pole because he gave evidence against his family. The Tudors featured Lady Salisbury, Lord Montagu and Montagu’s young son arrested for treason, thrown in the Tower and never given a trial.

Montagu and Henry had never got along and as shown in the Tudors, Montagu did make the foolish comment about how the world would celebrate once the king was dead. Not smart. Lord Montagu was found guilty through an act of attainder.

Lady Salisbury’s guilt was based on the five wounds of Christ banner found in her coffers connecting her to the Pilgrimage of Grace. As shown in the Tudors, she denied being a traitor to the end and was rumored to put up a pretty good fight with her inexperienced executioner. Some accounts have the executioner literally chasing her around the scaffold while hacking away. (Thankfully, Showtime chose not to get this graphic) The part that is very Hollywood is the timing of Lady Salisbury’s death. In reality, Henry let her rot in the Tower for a few years before executing her in 1541 during the reign of Kathryn Howard. What a guy!

Lord Montagu’s young son later died in the Tower. No one knows if he was murdered or if he died of natural causes, but you can bet Henry wasn’t wasting any tears.

History is somewhat divided on whether the Exeters and Poles deserved their fate. By 16th century standards, they were traitors. By modern standards, it’s really hard to justify the execution of a 68-year old woman and her pubescent grandson.

Meanwhile, Cromwell is feeling the stress of being Henry’s right hand man. According to the Tudors, Cromwell becomes connected to Protestant Reformer and accused heretic, John Lambert who he saved from execution during the reign of Anne Boleyn. In reality, Anne was the main force behind Lambert’s reprieve. Still, there were court factions moving against Cromwell in every direction. Let’s just hope Cromwell is able to make a love match between Anne of Cleves and Henry or heads are going roll.

Anne of Cleves makes her appearance next episode. Stay tuned for the next episode of Historical vs. Hollywood….

Sources listed in previous posts

Notes:
(1) Erickson, Kindle location 4605
(2) Warnicke, p. 52
(3) Starkey p. 635

A brief non-royalty related rant

My doctor has recently expressed concern on the amount of weight I have gained in my pregnancy, so when I went into my local Starbucks this morning and saw that they had a “skinny” latte, it seemed like a smarter choice then my regular chubby latte. I took one sip of it and was pretty sure that I could use it to strip paint.

I knew that taste immediately and asked the friendly barista, “excuse me sir but does this have Splenda in it?” The barista replied, “No…not unless you asked for it.” I am pretty sure I didn’t ask for a toxic chlorocarbon with a chemical composition similar to DDT to cross the placenta of my unborn child so I think…ok I am safe and I must not be used to skim milk. Well, LUCKILY for my built in poison barometer, I spent the rest of the morning crouched over the porcelain goddess that has become my torture chamber and expelled my morning dose of chlorine laced milk. (and no, I had not got sick in weeks.)

I then looked up “Starbucks skinny latte” online and sure enough “sucralose” is listed as one of the ingredients. So pleeeeeeeeease, if you are enticed by the word skinny think about your poor liver before sipping. Read the studies about the dangers of sucralose. Is ingesting pesticides really worth the few calories saved?

Showtime's The Tudors: Historical vs. Hollywood – Episode 5

Episode 5 opens with a real tear jerker scene showing our once tough-guy king crying like a baby while lovingly caressing Jane’s effigy. (the music score is beautiful.) Henry makes a promise to lie with Jane again—a promise he would later keep when he was buried next to her at in St George's Chapel in Windsor Castle.

The next scene is seemingly thrown in to show the tension between evangelists and Catholic conservatives. On November 13, 1536, Robert Packington, a mercer and rumored evangelist was ironically on his way to mass when he was shot dead.* Packington was a man of sizable wealth and influence in Parliament. Unfortunately, his choice of friends (Cromwell may have been one) had also earned him many enemies in conservative sects. To this day, no one knows who shot Packington. John Foxe in his martyrologies of 1559 claimed John Strokesley, bishop of London, paid a priest to shoot Packington. But in later writings by Foxe, he changed his murder suspect to John Incent, the Dean of St. Paul’s Cathedral. Although we will never know the murderer, some sort of clerical conspiracy is possible.

Meanwhile, Cromwell is on a mission to find Henry a new bride and his first choice is one of the nubile French royalty. But Henry cannot be bothered with marriage plans because he is too busy grieving over his dead wife. In Hollywood timing it looks like Henry grieved an awfully long time. In reality, Henry grieved for about a month before Chapuys was noticing that Henry was having a jolly good time enjoying his masques and planning his next marriage. (Of course, Chapuys comments must always be taken with the usual ill humor he sometimes showed toward Henry.)

Really, if anyone can cheer Henry up… it is his diabolical fool Wil Somers. The scenes with Meyers and his fool are, in my opinion, some of the best acting yet in this season. I really can’t do the sheer darkness that envelopes Meyers character justice in writing, but I can give the background on their relationship…

Wil Somers came into Henry’s service in 1525 and became by far his most beloved fool and companion. With his monkey hanging over his stooped shoulder, his colorful attire and his caustic wit, Somers kept everyone in the court entertained. The job of the fool was basically to make the king laugh, but also to always speak the uncensored truth. At least that is how it worked in theory, but Henry wasn’t always a good sport to playful jesting. One time, Somers had to leave court when he made the comment about Anne Boleyn, “Anne is a ribald, the child is a bastard!” Henry didn’t think that one was so funny.

But if Somers can’t cheer Henry up then perhaps spending some of that hard-earned church money will do the trick. Henry begins plans for Nonsuch Palace (built right where a church once stood). Nonsuch Palace was named its ridiculous name because Henry was in one of those “my castle is bigger than yours” phases in his life where he was trying to rival Francis I’s Chateau de Chambord. Thus, Henry believed no such palace would match the splendor and grandiosity of Nonsuch Palace. Unfortunately, Henry might be a bit disappointed to learn that the Chateau de Chambord is still arguably one of the most beautiful castles in the world and Nonsuch no longer exists. **

Back in the royal nursery, Lady Bryan must supervise Edward’s household and that includes overseeing the cleanliness of his chambers. Henry decreed Edward’s chambers were to be scrubbed down daily so that not a single germ came near the royal heir. You would think all this overzealous attention to cleanliness would have actually weakened his immune system, but by all accounts Edward was a very healthy and robust child.

Meanwhile, Henry enacts the Act of Six Articles. The Tudors breaks down each of the six articles and everything that is listed is true including Cranmer now having to hide his wife. (priests could not marry)

Back in pirate land, Sir Francis Bryan is off searching for Reginald Pole in Italy. (Henry actually appointed several assassins to hunt Pole down. …none of them caught him) The violence depicted on the Tudors might make you wonder if the show is over-dramatizing Sir Francis’ thug appeal, but Francis didn’t get the nickname, ‘the Vicar of Hell’ for nothing. He certainly had no scruples about bringing down his cousin, Anne Boleyn, even though she had been the one to secure his position in Henry’s court. But don’t worry…he will get what is coming to him. (Maybe next episode?)

Although Reginald has escaped his assassins, his actions are not earning him any fan mail. His brother, Lord Montagu and his mother, Margaret Salisbury renounce him and his treasonous actions in a letter. All true. But as the Tudor implies, Montagu and the Countess of Salisbury were forced to write condemning letters to save their heads. In truth, they shared Reginald’s views, but not his bravery/foolishness to go against the king. Would letters really save Reginald’s family? Find out in the next episode…

*Murder by gun was uncommon at this time and Packington may have been the first case in London killed in such a manner.

**Charles II’s mistress, Barbara Castlemaine demolished the castle and used the building materials to pay off her gambling debts.