Strangest Royal Gifts in History

With Christmas now over, there are probably some bizarre gifts still lingering under many a half-dead tree. But chia pets, self-help books and nose hair clippers don’t compare to some of the more exotic gifts given to royalty throughout history. The following are some of my favorite.

Cute and Cuddly Gifts
King Manuel I of Portugal went for the big box when he gave Pope Leo X, a rare white elephant named Hanno. Leo fell in love with his large gift and used his new pet to lead ostentatious parades through the streets of Rome with a silver tower on his back. For years Hanno reciprocated the Pope’s love and would cry “bar bar bar” every time he saw Leo. Unfortunately, Leo may have loved his pet pachyderm a little too much. The gold-enriched laxatives fed to Hanno were a little too rich for even an elephant’s stomach. Hanno dropped dead after one of these royal treatments.

The “oh you shouldn’t have” gift
At the wedding of Catherine de Medici, Pope Clement VII gave King Francis I, a unicorn horn mounted in a solid gold pedestal. These slightly phallic edifices were not intended to match the furniture, but were instead valued for their medicinal qualities. A unicorn or “alicorn” horn would supposedly sweat in the presence of poison. Unfortunately, the mythical horns were actually rhino and narwhal horns and often cost about as much as a small estate.

Honey…Look what I killed for you
Having an animal carcass arrive on your doorstep may seem like a less than romantic gift but to 16th century princes it was a most tender gesture of love. Henry VIII may have wooed Anne Boleyn with love letters and jewelry, but it was the freshly killed stag that really made her go….awwwww ain’t that sweet.

Royal Re-gifting
Every proud papa likes to give gifts to his daughter on her wedding. King Philip IV was no different when he bestowed several priceless jewels on his daughter Isabella after her marriage ceremony to Edward II. Unfortunately, Edward immediately re-gifted Isabella’s jewels and sent them to his royal mistress. This re-gifting might not have been so insulting if it were not for the fact that Edward’s girlfriend was none other than the pretty boy, Piers Gaveston. Most people would have agreed that Isabella looked better in pearls.

History tells us that even exotic gifts can be re-gifted. Such was the case with the Turkish corsair and chief pirate of the Ottoman empire, Barabarossa who gave King Francis a rare Nubian lion. In theory, a pet lion may seem like the perfect gift to impress a king, until you have to feed the beast. Francis certainly came to this conclusion when the perpetually hungry lion started eyeing the monkeys, reptiles and exotic birds in the rest of the king’s royal menagerie. Thus, Francis gave the big cat to the cousin of Pope Clement VII, Ippolito de Medici who fell in love with his new pet.

The wife of Louis XV, Maria Leszczynska, received an expensive New Year’s gift – an enamel and gold snuffbox with a small watch on the lid. Unfortunately for Maria, the gift was intended for Louise Madeline de la Motte, the mother of Louis’ famed mistress Madame Pompadour. Fortunately for Maria, Louise had just died and no one wanted to waste the gift.

Sources and Further Reading:
Bedini, Silvio. The Pope's Elephant. Austin, Texas: Harry Ransom Humanities Research Center, 1997.
Knecht, R.J. Francis I, New York, NY : Cambridge University Press, 1984.
Weir, Alison. Queen Isabella. New York, NY: Ballantine Books, 2005.
Ives, Eric. Anne Boleyn. New York, NY : Blackwell, 1988.
Lever, Evelyne. Madame de Pompadour : a life. New York, NY : Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2002.

Royal Signatures: What Handwriting reveals about Tudor Kings and Queens

I recently found a fascinating post over at one of my favorite blogs, My Napoleon Obsession written by artist and history lover Carmi Cimicata. (I too have a bit of a school girl crush on Nappy.) The post shows several examples of Napoleon’s signature and how it changed over time.

Graphologists (the people who study handwriting) will tell you that everyone’s signature changes over time. Your signature even changes from signing one document to immediately signing another. In fact, one of the first signs that graphologists look for in analyzing counterfeit signatures is if the signatures are too identical. Perfection is usually a dead give away that the signature is a forgery.

Now, for those of you who might be screaming POPPYCOCK at this very moment (a word that everyone should use at least once a day), I would point out that handwriting analysis is still used in crime investigations and in my corporate days I even had to undergo a handwriting analysis for a job I was applying too. (I didn’t get the job and have crossed my t’s low ever since). I studied graphology for years before I figured out that it is ten times harder than it looks. I say this with the disclaimer that the following is my novice attempt to analyze some of the signatures of famous Tudors.

First off, graphologists never use a signature alone to analyze someone. Usually, several writing samples have to be considered to get a good impression of overall characteristics. Signatures tend to be more practiced so they reveal clues about the public persona while the handwriting reflects more of the private persona.

Also keep in mind that we don’t have the luxury to see how Tudor signatures changed over time because often their signatures were created as seals to be placed on official documents and reused over and over again. In Henry VIII's case, a dry stamp was used to put his signature on royal documents when he got too lazy to lift his chubby hand. This dry stamp left an imprint which could then be inked in by members of the Privy Chamber. To avoid forgeries, only 3 people were allowed to use the stamp at a time. For this reason, I have not used examples of Henry's signature after 1545.

Ok let’s start with my favorite larger-than-life monarch….

Henry VIII
You will notice that Henry’s signature is thick in some places and thin in others. Now you might say that this is caused by his choice of writing utensil, but that actually is not so. It’s the passion of the writer that truly determines the thick and thinness of the line. And even the choice of pen can indicate personal desires. The varying thick and thinness of his writing suggesting a varying degree of pressure. Whenever writing varies in pressure, it suggests a more volatile nature. You can see this varying pressure also in the love letter to Anne Boleyn shown below.

A person with varying pressure alternates his need for risk-taking and security. Henry obviously had a very mercurial personality. He would risk everything for the love/lust he felt for his second wife Anne Boleyn, but he then craved the security and domestic calm of Jane Seymour in his third choice of wife. We can see this is very different from the steady pressure that Anne Boleyn applied in her signature. (shown below)

Another clue that points to Henry’s erratic nature is the varying slants of his handwriting. Even in the love letter to Anne Boleyn we can see the loops on his “d” slant backward yet the other letters slant dramatically forward. People with varying slants are often lively, crave variety (ahh..hmm wives) and have many interests.

You will also notice a varying baseline in Henry’s love letter to Anne (right). People who write with a varying baseline are the “jack of all trades” type. They take on many challenges and can get burnt out easily. These are not planners, but instead will wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Henry’s signature is also the best example of an illegible signature (by Tudor standards). In fact, all of the other examples here are pretty neat compared to Henry’s signature. A person with an illegible signature keeps his public persona very separate from his private persona. These people are often an enigma and even close friends rarely know them well. (You can now forgive your doctor for his messy signature)


Anne Boleyn
One of the first things that distinguishes Anne’s signature is her heavy pressure. This is a full bodied signature full of passion and sensuality. People who write with a heavy pressure are also forceful, dynamic and possess a tremendous determination. No one could argue that Anne was not determined in her quest for the King.

You will also notice that Anne chose to punctuate her name with “the queen” instead of abbreviating it with the good old Rex symbol. Many people today choose to abbreviate their names using initials for their first name. People who choose to write out every part of their name seek the limelight. These people are always willing to accept a new challenge. Obviously, Anne didn’t shy away from the limelight or the challenge to hold on to the King.

Another distinguishing characteristic of Anne’s writing is the height of her letters and the way they thrust into the upper zone seen in both her signature and her letters (left). In handwriting analysis, the upper zone represents the intellect. The middle zone represents social interaction or emotional intelligence. The bottom zone is literally are more base cravings…aka sex drive. Anne’s upper zone is very dominant suggesting an extremely clever personality, but her loops and letters are closed at the top which indicates a certain narrow-minded thinking. With these type of people, it is their way or the highway.

You will also notice that Anne’s writing in her letter takes up little space in the lower zone contrasted to Henry’s writing and certainly his signature which dips dips....dips into the lower zone. People with strong lower zones not only have strong sex drives, but also have a strong drive to accomplish all their goals…whatever the means. These people are often restless and are stimulated by variety. (I know again with the variety…ok the man liked variety. You get it)


Underscoring is another common mark in signatures. Underscoring is a sign of independent thinking. Underscores are a way of adding extra strength to the signature and also symbolize a need for recognition. Notice Anne's strong underscore in her name. Obviously, Anne needed the people to recognize her as queen. The same device can be seen in her daughter, Elizabeth’s signature (left). But you will notice that Anne’s underline moves forward in one direction while Elizabeth’s goes back and forth with loopy garlands. A back and forth underscore is a sign of indecision in the need for independence. We can see this in Elizabeth’s constant battle on whether or not to marry. Could she relinquish control to a king or must the power be all hers? Elizabeth put the offer of marriage on the table several times and then snatched it away the next.


Elizabeth I
One of the first striking things about Elizabeth’s signature is that it is honking HUGE compared to the rest of her writing. Whenever a signature is large in comparison to the rest of the writing it indicates the person has a lot more invested in the image that he/she projects to the rest of the world. I have already written about how Elizabeth created the Cult of Gloriana by being very careful about the image that she projected.

When Elizabeth was taken to the Tower and imprisoned on orders of her half-sister Mary Tudor we see a very different signature (below). Notice how small her signature is in comparison to her signature when she became queen (right).

Let’s compare Elizabeth’s letter to that of her cousin, Mary Queen of Scots (below). We can see that Mary’s signature is much smaller in relation to her writing. A smaller signature represents modesty and if it is really tiny it can represent underestimating abilities. Mary certainly chose consistently to take a back seat to the men in her life. A choice she would later regret when her brother and husband #2 and #3 showed disloyalty.

Elizabeth’s signature also has several garlands on both the top and the bottom. Garlands are a sign of affability, but if the writing has too many then it represents the person trying too hard to be accepted. This is the “calculated” friendliness and a person who plasters a smile on their face to appeal to both friend and foe.

You will also notice that Elizabeth’s handwriting has very little slant. This is called an “A-slant” and it reflects a person who has an amazing control over their emotions. This is a person who makes decisions based on reason and is not swayed by emotional outbursts. An A-slant person can often seem cold and heartless when they are actually simply well-guarded individuals.

Let’s contrast this with Mary Queen of Scots writing and signature which shows the classic “C-slant”. A C-slant person is swayed by emotions and can often make impulsive decisions.




Mary Queen of Scots
Mary's signature and her writing are also very dominant in the middle zone. People who are dominant in the middle-zone can only think of terms in the hear and now. They may have grandiose plans, but they have little success putting them into action. If you believe Mary was involved in all the plots and intrigues against Elizabeth then this fits perfectly with her inability to predict the significance of her actions.

So there you have it. Royal Signatures analyzed by your novice graphologist. Yes, I will admit that many of these signatures and writing samples are hard to analyze in modern context because people wrote differently, but I do think it is interesting to compare them.

Did I at least make you self-conscience about your own signature?

Diamonds are Forever

Thinking of giving someone diamonds this holiday? Most people think the De Beers company coined the famous tag line - Diamonds are Forever, but the Medici family were the first to use this slogan. In case you have missed the endless posts on my favorite corrupt family in history, the Medici were a powerful Italian banking family with an eye for art and a talent for money lending. They started breeding little financial wizards in the 13th century, and were ruling like gang busters by the 16th century. Through wars, scandals and assassinations, the Medici proved again and again that they had the survival instincts of plague fleas. So it was only fitting for them to adopt the durable diamond ring (shown above) as their family emblem accompanied by the Latin word, "semper" (always). They might not have been as sparkly, but the Medici, like diamonds...were forever.

The Medici family emblem can also be found in Claude Paradin's emblem book from the 16th century. (More on emblem books in a future post.) We can see the Medici diamond riding a heraldic dolphin.¹ The dolphin is described as "king Dolphin" and represents the Dauphin, Francis II. A palm branch symbolizing victory and an olive branch symbolizing peace sprout out from the diamond. The image signified the enduring power of the diamond ring (Medici blood) combined with the royal blood of the "dolphin" (Dauphin, Francis II). The image was a blantant public relations message for the French Crown— Francis backed by mama Medici (aka Catherine) would be a strong reign.

Like most rulers, Catherine de Medici had a great thirst for diamonds including the most cursed diamond in history, the Sancy Blood Diamond. But that's a story that I will save for another post...

(1)The title of Dauphin represents the oldest son of the king of France and heir to the throne. Since the 13th century, dolphins were used in heraldry to represent this position. These heraldic dolphins were powerful monsters and not the playful dolphins that we know and love. Listen to this song and you will be in a good mood for the rest of the day. They call him Flipper…Flipper faster than lightening...

Sources and Further Reading:
Claude Paradin's Emblem book courtesy of Penn State University.
Stemp, Richard. The Secret Language of the Renaissance: Decoding the Hidden Symbolism of Italian Art. New York: NY, Sterling Publishing Company, Inc., 2006 .
Van Veen, Henk th. Cosimo I de' Medici and his Self-Representation in Florentine Art and Culture, Cambridge University Press, 2006.

And the winner is...

The winner of Doomed Queens is Ashley. The winner of The Raucous Royals is Susan. I have already emailed the winners. I will just need your address.

How I pick a winner:
Every time someone subscribes to the newsletter, their name and email address automatically gets thrown into an excel spread sheet which is generated from the sign up form. Since adding the newsletter signup last month, 154 people have signed up. But if you didn't win this time, then you could always win next month's featured book.

To choose a winner, I ask my husband to pick a number between 1 and 154. Then I just look who falls into that slot. Voila... that's the winner. Not very scientific, but totally impartial and definitely quick.

If you want to receive January's Raucous Royals newsletter then you can subscribe here.

Last Chance to enter the Book Giveaway

I will be drawing 2 winners for the Book Giveaway tonight.... Only subscribers of the monthly Raucous Royals Newsletters are entered to win. The prize this month is the perfect gift for all the royal divas on your Christmas List: Doomed Queens and The Raucous Royals.

Subscribe Here>>

IF: The Rambunctious Wives of Henry VIII

I recently joined the Tudor Wiki and I am really enjoying meeting people who get as geeky as I do about Henry VIII's dysfunctional family. But people are VERY passionate about their favorite wives. I get worried that I am going to offend someone if I point out flaws in any of these ladies...especially Saint Anne Boleyn or Saint Katherine of Aragon.

I get asked this one a lot but - who is your favorite wife?

To get your fix of misbehaving kings and queens. Check out The Raucous Royals.

Raucous Interview and Book Giveaway

Last week, I reviewed Kris Waldherr’s Doomed Queens. For anyone who needs some art inspiration or just a deliciously good read, I highly recommend picking up a copy of the book for all the divas on your christmas list. I contacted Kris to ask how she created the stunning art for Doomed Queens. Let's just say that Kris really knows how to put her babysitter, her editor and family and friends to work! Can you guess who posed for the ill-fated Amalasuntha or the discarded Josephine? Read more to find out….

Me: Could you talk a little bit about your process? What medium do you use? Did you do the art first or the writing first?

Kris: My bookmaking process involves a lot of rather intuitive back-and-forthing between design, research, text and art. My first job in publishing was a children's book designer, so I tend to approach my books from a design standpoint first, and work from there. In the case of Doomed Queens, I knew I wanted it to look rather Victorian, so I researched books of that era, looking at type treatments, their bindings and illustrations. I also did enough research on queens to create a general outline, which I then used to layout a book dummy.

From there, I began to write and make art for the book, usually researching and writing as I go along. However, I do adjust the book dummy and design as I work through the book to stuff in new research finds or other "eureka" ideas and art. There's a lot of refining and reworking involved.

The art itself was created with black and white ink, watercolor, gouache and pencil on Arches watercolor paper. I usually work on several drawings at once, going back and forth between them as inspiration allows. In the case of Doomed Queens, I worked on the art after the text, since my publisher needed the text first to allow for the time-consuming task of fact checking and editing. I use models to pose for the queens, whom I photograph in costume. My models are usually people I know who remind me in some way of the character being portrayed. For example, my brainy editor Kris Puopolo posed for the hyperintellectual Amalasuntha, the Ostrogoth queen who was strangled in her bath. Initially, I had planned to do a David "Death of Marat" pastiche, but as Kris posed, a more subtle (and I think creepier) composition evolved.

Me: Well I do hope your editor does not share the same fate as Amalasuntha!

You mentioned in a recent interview at Scandalous Women that you designed and illustrated Doomed Queens to look like a Victorian penny dreadful. I completely see that, but your style is far more unique. I would describe it as a cross between the decorative motifs of Gustav Klimt with the subtle mortality reminders of Van der Weyden, the idealized beauty of Botticelli with a dash of comic book action. Ha! That’s a mouthful. What artists do you feel most influenced you? Were you influenced by any of the artists mentioned?

Kris: Well, all the artists you've mentioned are certainly ones I admire, and who have inspired my art over the years. But for Doomed Queens, the artist I most thought of was Dante Gabriel Rossetti, in particular his early pen and ink drawings such as "How They Met Themselves" or "The Palace of Art." I completely adore these drawings, and find them so full of mystery and intensity, for all their youthful awkwardness. Though the final art for Doomed Queens doesn't look much like Rossetti, these drawings were ever in the back of my mind. In the beginning, I had copies of them tacked around my drawing board so I could study them.

Other influences: the Holbein Dance of Death woodcuts. I also used a lot of historical queens' portraits as points of departure for my art (just you did in your Raucous Royals). For example, it was a lot of fun to take on Velazquez's Las Meninas and kick it up a notch for my portrait of Margarita Theresa. But at a certain point, you have to let go of your expectations and let process take over, especially as deadline anxiety kicks in.

Me: Oh the portrait of Margarita Theresa is one of my favorites! I love what you added to her dress (readers are going to have to get the book to know what I am talking about) But if you could pick one painting to be a self-portrait, which queen most represents you?

Kris: Of all them, I'd have to say the portrait of Joséphine. But it would be a very twenty-something me; I'm still tall with a long neck, just a tad less sylph-like than I was as a young 'un. I was tempted to pose for one of the queen portraits, but didn't -- sometimes I do that in my illustrated books. Now I wish I had, though it seemed a little grand at the time to do so!

The model for Joséphine was my daughter's babysitter, Cassandra O'Neill, who is very tall and languorous looking. I had a lot of fun dressing her up and posing her in the style of an Empire portrait. She was a very game and patient model.

Me: Now that’s putting your child care to work. I think I might ask my babysitter to pose for a 17th century bloodletting scene. Thanks for the tip! What about your future plans? Will fans see a Doomed Kings?

Kris: Right now, I'm still recovering from finishing Doomed Queens, as well as the lead up to publication. It was a lot of work over a period of about eighteen months -- a real whirlwind. Since the book was a one color book -- sepia ink on paper -- my publisher opted to print domestically. The book didn't go on press until mid-August, a mere two months before its release date. So I was working on the book up until then, then immediately moved onto preparing for publication. This was a very different experience from illustrating a full color book, which are usually printed overseas with a nine month lead time; by the time those books come out, I'm usually already well onto the next deadline.

That written, there are plans in place for a Doomed Queens follow up book, as well as other illustrated publications. Everything is still in the "too soon to share details" stage, but I will keep you posted! I also have a small studio-gallery here in Brooklyn, which is oriented around book arts, which keeps me very busy.

Me: Congratulations on the success of your book! Readers can learn more about Doomed Queens by visiting Kris's web site or watching the book trailer

Win a FREE copy of Doomed Queens
I will be raffling off a copy of Doomed Queens to one lucky subscriber of the monthly Raucous Royals Newsletter. The Newsletter is going out on the 14th and I will announce two winners then - one for The Raucous Royals (last week's giveaway) and one for Doomed Queens. (switching to my announcer voice here) That means you have DOUBLE the chance of winning a FREE book. Act now before it is too late...If you have not subscribed yet, just click here and enter your email and name.

Diane de Poitiers – Harlot of Heroine?

I have to take a tiny break from Catherine de Medici this week. I am still researching the enigmatic mistress of Henri II, Diane de Poitiers and she is proving to be an uncooperative subject. The problem lies in the fact that I am finding a mass of contradictions from various sources. This leads to an obviously sticky problem – who’s version of history do we believe? Protestants hated Diane. Catholics loved her. Both had a hard time keeping their religious prejudices out of the equation.

What is certain is that there will be tons of rumors to debunk. Stay tuned…

Raucous Book of the Month – Doomed Queens

We have all probably heard the sermon: “those who do not learn from history are bound to repeat it.” Kris Waldherr exposes this truism with biting candor in her new book appropriately titled Doomed Queens. Part cautionary tale, part biography, Doomed Queens is chock full of regal queens meeting not-so enviable ends. Readers will find all their favorite femme fatales like Anne Boleyn, Marie Antoinette, and Mary Queen of Scots, but also lesser known figures such as Empress Wang and Theodora of Trebizond. Waldherr reminds us, “too often history is written by the victors.” So true. For this reason, readers will be captivated by Arsinoe IV, the Jan Brady of history—pushed aside by her more cunning sister, Cleopatra. Then there is Juana of Castile who emerges from the shadow of her powerful parents, Ferdinand and Isabella to show how things really went down in the power struggle for the throne. hint: it doesn't end pretty. In each biography, Waldherr shows how herstory doesn't always end as happily as history.

There are so many doomed queens included that you might have a hard time keeping their deaths straight. No worries. Waldherr offers handy icons to accompany each tale symbolizing everything from death by child birth to a date with the executioner. Each biography ends with an irreverent “cautionary moral” that may especially appeal to teens tired of pedantic conclusions in their history lessons. What can we learn from Sophia Alekseyevna, the disaffected, half-sister of Peter the Great? Perhaps it is as simple as, “the best candidate doesn’t always get the job.” What does Marie Antoinette's bucolic stint as a milkmaid tell us? “When you play at being a peasant, you risk being killed by one.”


Humorous quizzes and pithy sidebars add an extra level of intrigue for readers who have shorter attention spans while Waldherr’s haunting illustrations suspiciously circle each queen like a macabre dance of death. Look closer and you will find ghoulish memento mori peeking out from behind each delicately rendered portrait. Could this be a reminder? Perhaps current examples of distaff corporate climbers and policy makers can be made a head shorter with as much disregard. (ah hem…Palin)

But don’t let the title fool you. Although undeniable a morose angle taken, at the heart of Doomed Queens is not how queens died, but how they lived. Did Joan the I of Naples deserve the same fate as her husband? Why was the deposed Irene of Byzantium a candidate for sainthood? It’s these types of questions that will have book clubs, classrooms, royalty aficionados and modern-day divas talking.

Conversations in a Talk Balloon and a Book Give away

You may have noticed that I added a monthly newsletter a couple of weeks ago to the Raucous Royals history offerings. I was honored to see how many people signed up for it. I really didn’t think anyone read my silly, little history blog. Someone asked me recently what my “stats” were and I had no clue what that meant. It turns out that there is this thing called Technorati. I joined a couple of weeks ago. If you blog you are supposed to sign up there and they tell you how popular your blog is. It is sort of like high school except you get an actual number ranking to remind you of your social order. If you blog regularly, it will kind of depress you to know how few people read your blog in relation to the amount of people blogging. And if you blog about history…well it just might make you never want to hit your post button again.

But wait I say. Who cares if no one reads your blog. The whole purpose of blogging is to find people who share your passions. Right? With who else am I going to debate the height of Marie Antoinette’s hair? My family and friends don’t even know I blog about history.

I recently tried to explain blogging to one of my nonhistory reading pals. It went something like this:

A Blogging Dramtization in one Act:

Friend: I liked your book. I still hate history, but it made me hate history a little less.
Me: (uncomfortable pause) ah thanks. Did you know I have a blog?
Friend: What’s a blog?
Me: It’s is an online journal where you write articles. Mine is about European History- scandals, rumors, trivia and such. (smug smile on my face)
Friend: Who pays you to write the articles?
Me: Well,… know one really pays me.
Friend: So you are writing for free.
Me: Well…ya sort of (smug smile gone)
Friend: That’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Don’t you have a book due in 2 weeks?
Me: I did… but it got pushed back. The deadline is now in 6 months. I couldn’t really make the first deadline.
Friend: hmmm I wonder why?
Me: I throw my coffee over friend’s head and storm out never to speak to her again.

Ok not exactly. But my point to this drama is this: although 1 trillion and 500 thousand people would rather read some other blog, there are still more than 3 people who read my silly ramblings.

And like Pavlov’s dog (except much smarter), I must reward those people (all 4 of you). Therefore, I am doing a signed book giveaway next week for The Raucous Royals but ONLY for the people who have signed up for the newsletter.

Switching to Announcer Voice: But it’s not too late….you too can experience a monthly history newsletter that will give you enough information to astonish your friends, insert useless trivia at cocktail parties and impress your dates. YOU HAVE ONLY TEN DAYS TO ACT. Don’t miss this opportunity. Simply hit the subscribe button below by December 13th and you will not only receive the FREE Raucous Royals Newsletter, but you will also be entered to win a FREE signed copy of The Raucous Royals.


Subscribe to Newsletter>>
Small Print
The Raucous Royals is a monthly newsletter put out by author Carlyn Beccia. Email addresses are never sold. And even if I did try to sell them, no one would buy them. Statistical marketing analysis shows that less than 1% of history buffs need body parts enlarged or their mortgages refinanced. If at some point you want off the list, simply hit unsubscribe.

Catherine de Medici - Part III: When in Rome…Don’t Drink the Water

In last week’s post, Catherine de Medici was making a fresh start in the French court. Unfortunately, her happiness would be short lived. On September 25, 1534, her cousin and biggest supporter, Pope Clement VII wrecked everything by dropping dead. The official report was that he died of a “gastric disease,” but rumors quickly spread that he was poisoned. Foul play was certainly probable considering that many Popes before Clement had succumbed to an unenviable death.¹ Poisoning became so common that a popular saying of the time was, “He who drinks of the water in the Vatican will die soon." Assassinations were secretly carried out by the “Council of Ten” or “Terrible Ten,” a covert and highly autonomous Venetian police force that answered to no one.

Still, we can only speculate on what caused Clement’s death. Wikipedia reports that Clement died after accidentally eating death cap mushrooms. This is highly unlikely given the fact that the extremely potent death cap mushrooms, (even in small amounts) kill within a matter of days. Clement’s illness lasted over 5 months. More likely, his wine was flavored with a little “eternity powder,” a lethal mixture of henbane, water hemlock or mandragora. Eternity powder was usually administered in small doses over several months resulting in a slow death that looked like…gastric problems.

Catherine de Medici: Stark Naked and Alone
If Catherine shed any tears for her uncle, then she would have had few people to grieve with her. Florence mourned Clement's death by raiding and vandalizing his tomb. People did have reason to be angry. Clement had left behind a legacy of higher taxes and inflated grain prices. Most damaging for Catherine, he also left behind her unpaid dowry. Francis was now stuck with an unpopular, Italian daughter-in-law without a cent to her name, prompting him to make the remark, “the girl has come to me stark naked.”³ Three years after the marriage, Catherine was also failing at her sole purpose as wife to Henri II – she had yet to become pregnant. It was roughly during this time that Henri began his affair with the infamous Diane de Poitiers (shown here) more on her later...

A Damsel in Distress
So let’s recap. Catherine is stuck in France with no money, no blue blood, and no little Henri’s running around. Her husband has taken a mistress and her uncle has died. (But she does have great shoes.) How could Francis secure the Valois line if Catherine did not become pregnant? The logical solution would be for him to replace his daughter-in-law with a more fertile and politically advantageous bride. The Guise brothers began campaigning for Louise of Guise as the replacement wife. Years earlier in England, Henry VIII had kicked Queen Catherine of Aragon to the curb and swapped her for Anne Boleyn. What was to stop Francis from doing the same to Catherine?

Catherine knew her situation was doomed so she went to Francis begging him to at least let her serve the new queen as a lady-in-waiting. Luckily, Francis was a big softy for a damsel in distress. He said, “It is God’s will that you should be my daughter and the wife of the Dauphin. So be it.”⁴

Amen. So Catherine stayed put and set herself the task of becoming pregnant.


A Bitter Pill to Swallow
First, Catherine applied poultices of ground up stag antler and cow dung…a guaranteed remedy for infertility. When that didn’t work, she tried drinking large quantities of mule’s urine. (belch) Catherine even drilled holes in her chamber’s floor so that she could spy on her husband and his enigmatic mistress, Diane de Poitiers. Unfortunately, the peep show taught Catherine little in regards to fertility and much more than she needed to know about her husband’s passion for his mistress. After ten years of trying everything imaginable…time was running out.

The Fertility Doctors comes a Knockin’
Finally, the 16th century version of a fertility doctor, named Doctor Fernel was brought in and he diagnosed a slight irregularity in the couple’s reproductive organs. He prescribed a cure to which Henri and Catherine followed. I wish I could tell you more about this cure, but history doesn’t know what voodoo magic he used. All we know is that it worked fabulously. After 10 years of cow dung and sex education, Catherine gave birth to Francis II on January 19, 1544. Over the following years, she would give birth to 9 more children. Not too shabby for a mere "merchant's daughter."

Peace at last...Hardly
Although Catherine secured the succession, peace was still out of her reach. A royal cat fight was brewing between the two leading mistresses of the French court – Diane de Poitiers (mistress of the heir to the throne, Henri II) and the Duchess D’Etampes (mistress of King Francis I). Who will be the last strumpet standing??? I wouldn't put my gold coins on the aging king's mistress. All it takes is one kick of the bucket...and M. D'Etampes is out on her arse. Stay tuned for next post to see who comes out on top.

A full list of sources will be given at the end of Catherine de Medici's story

Notes:
(1) Pope Alexander VI was poisoned in 1503 after drinking poisoned wine which had been intended for the Cardinal de Corneto. The Venetian ambassador reported that it was the"the ugliest, most monstrous and horrible dead body that was ever seen, without any form or likeness of humanity” - de Rossa, p.151.

(2) The inscription on Clement's tomb read, 'To Clement the Seventh, Pontifex Maximus, whose invincible valour was only exceeded by his clemency.' The vandals changed the inscription to read, 'To Inclement, Pontifex Minimus whose conquered valour was only exceeded by his avarice.'
(3) p. 48. Frieda
(4) p. 58. Frieda