oh Madge, Madge, Madge

I am thoroughly enjoying the second season of The Tudors. I admit that I love anything British. I actually think corn belongs in Tuna and I get positively giddy at the sight of a red telephone booth. I have not enjoyed a mini series this much since Patrick Swayze wore tight britches in North & South. It’s easy to get hooked on the combination of romance and British history.

Faithful historians get a little peevish when TV mucks up history’s facts. To that I say, “booooooooooo!” I guess that makes me a history tramp. I actually think the series helps create interest in a very explosive period in British history. Most people who enjoy The Tudors, but know little of the time period enjoy discovering which parts really happened. Sure, the decision to combine Henry’s sister, Mary and Margaret into one person was a bit lazy. And I admit that every time a horse drawn carriage goes by, I get a little distracted (horse drawn carriages were not in vogue yet. Royalty was carried around in liters). And yes, I too would like nothing better than to see Jonathan Reese Myers sporting a cod piece. (come on….you know you have looked for it!)

With that said, one thing has me confused. What’s with all these random booty calls for Henry VIII? I know this is just to instill a little soap opera drama into the series, but because the show uses so many real life facts… I am constantly left wondering if some of these women really existed. Who was Eleanor Luke? I did a google search on her and found nothing.

For the record, I agree with the producer’s decision to spice up Henry’s love life. If they gave an accurate portrayal of Henry’s palace romps then the show would resemble more of a campy Viagra commercial then a dramatic soap opera. Henry was extremely discreet about his love affairs and was, the for the most part, your typical serial monogamist. He wasn't half as naughty as his contemporary, the syphilitic King of France, Francis I . Ironically, if we are to believe the accounts of George Boleyn, he actually had trouble rising to the royal occasion.

I just want to know if there is any truth to some of these sexual escapades? I know the affair with Madge Shelton (shown above) really happened, but did Henry abduct a pretty maiden from the woods?

And did anyone else roll on the floor laughing with the Madge seduction scene when Myers kept repeating, “Madge, Madge, Madge?” That scene might have been a good time to break for a Viagra commercial.

Illustration Friday: Primitive

Here are a few spot illustrations showing very primitive medicine from The Raucous Royals. Charles II was not the only one tortured by his doctors. George III had to deal with losing the American colonies AND these medical practices. The first illustration in the top left is an example of "cupping" (discussed below)

Deadly Doctor Visit

For the past six months, I have been researching history’s strangest medical cures for my next book. People complain about doctors today, but nothing demonstrates medical malpractice better than Charles II’s royal treatment. Charles II was the fun-loving king of England best remembered for his beautiful mistresses. (He had twelve illegitimate children with his mistresses, but no legitimate heirs.) At his death, Charles had several doctors poking and prodding him in a valiant attempt to cure the Merry Monarch of kidney disease. Here was how the sick king spent his last day on earth:

A haircut and a blood donationDoctors throughout history have been overzealous in draining their patent’s blood. Bloodletting or "bleeding" was administered by cutting a vein with a lancet, drawing blood to the skin’s surface with hot cups or the perennial favorite—leeches. Doctors at the time believed that the body was made up of four humors (blood, phlegm, black bile and yellow bile.) Disease and illness caused a person’s humors to become unbalanced and bleeding could restore this balance. In Charles’s case they not only cut his skin, but also shaved his head and applied red, hot irons.

The Royal PedicureAfter losing so much blood, Charles must not have been feeling fresh. Luckily, doctors had some spare pigeon poop lying around to smear on the king’s feet. Animal feces during the 17th century were believed to have many curative properties. Have a nose bleed? No problem. Just rub some pig manure on it. I still have not found why doctors used feces in medicine. It seems like a wonderful way to get a bout of tetanus going.

17th century chicken soup for the soul
Everyone loves a nice hot bowl of chicken soup when they are feeling sick. Charles didn’t get any soup. Instead, his doctors fed him various herbs, boiled spirits from a human skull, bezoar stone, and the very poisonous antimony.

First off, you can’t imagine what antimony tastes like unless you like to lick batteries. Antimony is great as a semiconductor and is used today in batteries and cable wires. It's not so tasty as a medicinal cocktail. Why make the king eat battery acid? The answer is simple. They were trying to make him barf. Charles’s doctors believed that purging would clean out your insides. Doctors even sometimes used a device called a “stomach brush” to wash the stomach clean. (The brush looked like a toilet bowl cleaner with a wire handle.) Doctors would lower the contraption down the throat by turning the wire handle and then move it up and down like they were cleaning drainpipes. Ya, I could see how you might think that one would work. Who here has not felt a bit “dirty” after scarfing down Ben & Jerry’s? Unfortunately, instead of cleaning your insides, the brush caused internal bleeding. Ouch!

Next, spirits from a human skull was the green moss scraped off a human skull. In the 17th century, ground-up mummies were mixed into tea and used to heal bruises, fractures, migraines, epilepsy, coughs and disorders of the liver. Mummy powder was even used by artists to make their paints more vibrant. Mummy heads were especially coveted. Napoleon brought one back from Egypt for Josephine (shown here). Nothing says I love you like human remains.

Bezoar stone was a rock-like mass found in the organs of goats. It was believed to be an antidote for poison. I have seen what goats will eat and anything stuck in their guts should just stay there.

Gazuntite!
God Bless you. Sneezing can make your teeth rattle, but can also cure what ails you. Or so was the belief of Charles’s medical crew. The theory was that sneezing would correct the imbalance of humors in the brain so doctors blew hellebore up the king’s nostrils to make him sneeze. This treatment may not seem so bad unless you have smelled hellebore before. It has the distinct stench of decaying chicken.

It's good to be the king...unless you are on your death bed
Ok so let’s recap. At this point, Charles had a bad hair cut, a terrible breakfast, very little blood left, his feet stunk and worst of all….he still wasn’t dead. It took four days for the poor king to kick the bucket. Always a good sport, the king actually apologized to his doctors for taking such a long time to die.

The Guniea Pig King
I like Charles’s story because it illustrates a reoccurring theory toward medicine. The less that was known about a disease or illness…the more doctors tried out different cures. Although these cures seem ridiculous to us today, without medical experimentation doctors would have no way of knowing what worked. Today, we experiment just as much, except we do it on rats, monkeys and cancer patients.

I Feel Better with a Frog in my Throat will be due out some time in 2010. Stay tuned for more gross trivia in royal medicine...

Sources:

Wadd, William. Mems. Maxims, and Memoirs. London, UK: Oxford University, 1827.TURNER, E. S. The Astonishing History of the Medical Profession. NY, Ballantine Books: 1961.

France's Wolf Cub

When looking at Louis XVII’s portrait, it’s hard to imagine that this regal boy could have endured such suffering. Everyone has heard the tragic end to his famous parents, but the boy king remains merely a footnote in France’s history of the Revolution.

Louis XVII was the second son of Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette. To Marie, Louis was her beloved “chou d’amour.” To Revolutionary France, he was the “wolf cub” and the unknowing target of France’s hatred toward the monarchy.

During the Revolution, Louis was literally ripped from his mother's arms. While confined in the Temple Prison, Marie could hear the cries of her son in the room below hers, but she was not allowed to see him. Louis’s companions were rats and his prison ward, Antoine Simon. The rats were kinder. Simon repeatedly beat Louis and forced him to drink large quantities of alcohol. There are rumors that he even forced him to sleep with diseased prostitutes. Louis was only eight years old.

Louis’s living conditions got even worse when he was placed into solitary confinement. His new prison had little light and worst of all, no housekeeping. In the years he was left to rot, no one bothered to remove the piles of feces. Louis soon became despondent. When asked why he wouldn’t speak he quietly muttered, “I want to die.”

He finally got his wish. His body was found covered with scabies and ulcers from the neglect and the once healthy boy was hardly recognizable. I know this sounds all overly dramatic, but it really was just that horrible. The guillotine would have been a kinder fate.

Louis’s jailers fed his flesh slowly to the revolution’s hate machine. His parents’ death ended quickly.

If you are interested in learning more about Louis XVII and enjoy a good conspiracy tale, I highly recommend The Lost King of France by Deborah Cadbury. After Louis’s death, rumors spread that he had actually escaped his prison in a wicker basket. What if the boy who died in prison was not really Louis, but a substitute king? These rumors caused a slew of pretenders to come forward claiming to be the king of France and causing much heartache for Louis’s surviving sister, Marie Therese.

Cadbury intertwines the aftermath of Louis’s supposed death with a grisly relic's journey through history….the king’s heart. During Louis’s autopsy, Dr. Philippe-Jean Pellatan stole the heart, put it in a jar of alcohol and hid it on the top shelf of his bookcase. What it is about the French and swiping body parts as relics? (Napoleon’s penis?).

Pellatan later tried to give it back to the royal family, but that’s the crazy thing about shriveled up hearts. They don’t make good birthday presents. The problem was that no one believed it was Louis’s heart and it thus got passed down from generation to generation before it ended up on ebay.

No I jest. It didn’t end up on ebay, but the heart did have a remarkable journey through thefts, wars and several families before it found a home in the Basilica at Saint-Denis. Now, with the powers of modern science, the heart holds the DNA and the key to solving the mystery of Louis’s death. Cue the spooky organ music.

I don’t want to give it away if you don’t already know the whole story. Don’t cheat and look it up….read the book.

Sources:
Illustration Credit: Williams, Henry Smith. The Historians' History of the World: A Comprehensive Narrative of the Rise and development of nations as recorded by over two thousand of the great writers of all ages. New York, NY: The Outlook Company, 1905
Cadbury, Deborah. The Lost King of France, A True Story of Revolution, Revenge, and DNA. New York, NY: St. Martin's Press, 2002

Save the Queen

Here is a flash game that I designed for my new site. Save Mary Queen of Scots from the Executioner's swing. Guess the right word and the queen is saved. Guess wrong....and the executioner swings.

Play now>>

The Royal Trendsetters

Throughout history, royal figures have changed the course of politics, war, religion, but most importantly…fashion. Today, we look to Hollywood for our style cues and we tend to take for granted that a trend will come in one year, and then go out the next. (As a short woman I am eagerly awaiting the demise of ballet flats.)

Fashionistas in the 16-18th centuries were not so lucky. Fashion trends were slow to change and courtiers did not always have a huge say in what to wear to the royal ball. Although poorly enforced, sumptuary laws in Europe from the middle ages to the 18th century dictated the color and material of a courtier’s clothing. To separate the growing middle class from the nobility, these sumptuary laws imposed dress codes according to rank, gender, wealth, religion and even virtue.

Breaking dress codes also came with much harsher penalties. If you were a merchant in Henry VIII’s reign, you could be fined and sent to prison for wearing purple. During the French Revolution, a noble could get dragged to the guillotine by the sans-culottes for simply wearing the wrong pants. Even more puzzling, the Ecclesiastical Court in England had to issue fines to men who wore a doublet too short to cover the family jewels. (They needed fines to keep them from flashing??)

I thought I was a fashion maverick for wearing white after Labor Day, but I have nothing on these notable royal trendsetters:

Queen Catherine De Medici: Fairy Godmother or Fashion Enforcer?
Although the origins of the corset are unknown, we can thank Queen Catherine de Medici for its rise in popularity. In an effort to distract the fractious Protestant and Catholic camps from tearing each other to shreds, Catherine used the most powerful peace keeping device at her disposal—pretty girls. The clever queen surrounded her court with a bevy of beautiful, young servants called her “flying squadron.” These beauties were rumored to infiltrate the bedrooms of powerful nobles while secretly acting as Catherine’s spies. Go Catherine!

But Catherine’s femme fatales also had to practically starve themselves to get their wastes down to the mandated 18 inches. Corsets lined with wood, iron and whalebone became the only means to reach pencil thinness. Soon, Catherine’s ladies were the envy of France. The nobility and even young children began corseting themselves to obtain the desired hour-glass shape.

Catherine is also credited with the high heel shoe’s rise to fame. The legend goes that the young Florentine, bride to-be was nervous about her debut entry into the French courts. She needed to dazzle and shine. She needed the right shoes.

The customary, chunky Chopins were simply the wrong shoe for the job (shown here). Enter Catherine’s cobbler who put a slender four-inch heel on Catherine’s shoe and elevated her to divine fashion status. The French court was impressed by Catherine’s stately bearing and soon copied their queen’s well-heeled sense of fashion. As mentioned in The Raucous Royals, the diminutive French King, Louis XIV later decreed that only he could wear red heels.

Catherine’s contribution of high heels makes her go down as the fairy god mother of fashion, but we can’t forget about one of her smartest fashion innovations. Before Catherine, moms everywhere could not say, “don’t forget to wear clean underwear.” While women in Catherine’s court wore smocks and stays, they went commando under their skirts. The always modest queen preferred to get on and off her horse without giving a peep show so she started wearing long underpants. The ladies of Catherine’s court followed the queen’s example and started wearing fancy knickers too. For reasons that mystify me, the underwear trend didn’t really stick until after the French Revolution.

Czar Peter the Great: a clean shaven man
In gossip circles, Czar Peter the Great is best remembered for his party boy, vodka-drinking celebrity status in the Russian court. Sure… Peter might be caught in a pool of his own vomit, but you could never accuse the lusty czar of going unshaven. Peter saw beards as an outdated fashion and a symbol of Russia’s failure to move into the modern age. According to his "decree on the shaving of beards," men would be fined 30 rubles for any hair peccadilloes. He hated beards so much that he would rip them out by the roots if he caught anyone wearing one.

Henry VIII: fat clothes and bulging bits
It’s hard to picture Henry VIII without his plump belly. Clearly, the king got a little pudgy after becoming too old to chase the ladies. Or maybe…. he just got the wrong fashion advice on how to dress a big man? Too hide his expanding girth, Henry wore padded clothes with puffy sleeves. Now everyone knows, baggy clothes make you look fatter. But Henry’s real fashion crime was having the rest of his court follow his example. To show their respect, Henry’s courtiers started wearing padded clothing too, and a new trend was born—fat clothes!

Henry also started the 16th century "my codpiece is bigger than yours" trend. A codpiece was basically a cup to cover up a man's private bits. It sort of looked like today's athletic cups accept it was worn on the outside of the clothing and was decorated with bows and jewels. (thus the term "family jewels.") Along with providing modesty, the codpiece doubled as a man purse for coins, small weapons and snuff. (Think of it as wearing boxers with a built in fanny pack.) Never one to seem small, Henry began padding his codpiece and his court followed suit. Soon, the once inconspicuous codpiece became a ridiculous bulge.

Napoleon: The crime of tight pants solves murder mystery
If Henry VIII wins the award for worst baggy clothes in history then Napoleon wins the award for worst too tight fashion. I am talking about the Little Corporal’s tiny pants. Unfortunately for thousands of paintings that have survived, fat Frenchman during Napoleon’s reign chose to copy their emperor instead of allowing blood to their nether regions. Later in life, Napoleon looked especially ridiculous when he started to gain some weight and his pants left nothing to the imagination.

But there is a silver lining to this tale of tight pants. It turns out that scientific researchers have had some use for Napoleon’s pants. According to researchers, Napoleon breeches became a lot smaller in the last six months of his life. This supports the claim that he died of stomach cancer and not arsenic poisoning. Maybe his tight pants gave him cancer?

So those are some of my favorite fashion Do’s and Don’ts of royalty. Who is your favorite royal trendsetter?

Stay tuned for Royal Trendsetters Part 2 where I will cover Marie Antoinette's big hair days and the history of the male periwig.

Sources: Zacks, Richard. An Underground Education. New York, NY: Anchor Books, 1997
Frieda, Leonie. Catherine de Medici, Renaissance Queen of France, New York, NY:Harper Perennial, 2003
Phillips, Janet. History from Below: Women's Underwear and the Rise of Women's Sport
Peter the Great: The Tyrant Reformer. DVD. A&E Home Video, 2005.
Russia - Land of the Tsars. DVD. A&E Home Video, 2003.
Ewing, Elizabeth. Underwear: A History. New York, NY - USA: Theatre Arts Book, 1972
Weir, Alison. Henry VIII and his Court. New York, NY: Ballantine Books, 2002.